Hey Jude

Not enough

2010-04-18T23:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when words are not enough...

Tears have to suffice.

I made a new friend!!

2010-04-18T22:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,

While at work, I was on Facebook, as apparently I usually am, and noticed that I had a new friend request. Curious, I clicked on the link, and it was Jessica Lee!

Though I've never met her, I feel immediately connected to her because of our common experience, because of our island.

It feels wonderful to talk about Oleai, Coffee Care, Pau Pau, Tapochau, apple green tea, and all our SDA kids.

I haven't felt able to discuss my real (Saipan) life with people lately, because there's no way anyone could understand...unless you had been there, unless you had lived it.

The night has gotten a little better.

Going...

2010-04-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, I found a Facebook application that examined status updates to find which words were most common. Though I realize this, and most of Facebook itself, are completely useless, I participated out of curiosity's sake. I am proud to say that my most commonly used word in my status updates is "going".

It's how I want to live my life. I don't want to remain stagnant, just waiting for life to happen. I want to seek it out, travel the world, participate in my life, rather than simply watch it pass.

I learned how to live in Saipan. It started that first Sabbath on my first island tour. I was shy. Rhonda wasn't there yet, and even if she had been, I only knew her on a surface level. It was simply me.

We drove to Banzai, enjoyed looking at the beautiful ocean, and I was comfortable...enough.

We looked out across Suicide, and I was not nervous. I did not realize that life was about more than watching.

We went to the Grotto. My first step down those slippery steep stairs was the first step of my journey. By the time I got to the bottom, my legs were shaking, and I had no intention of crossing over to the rock in the center, but I was convinced. I held on to that pole which was drilled into the rock, and I took a step.

The water washed over my feet. I took another step. I couldn't do it on my own. Ken held my hand, told me when to jump, and I trusted him.

Another step.

I was on the rock.

I was shivering.

Amy jumped.

Nicole jumped.

Cristina jumped.

Angie jumped.

I thought they were crazy. I don't know what happened.

I closed my eyes, and...

I jumped.

With a splash, I was cleansed of everything that I had been told I was. I surfaced with a smile, and put my past behind me.

I've been jumping into life ever since and now I'm never GOING to stop.

Going Home

2009-10-28T15:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,

I love love love the show "The Biggest Loser". I think it's so inspiring to watch the transformations of these people who so desperately want and need to drastically change their lives. This week's episode, however, was a hard one for me to watch.

One team won the opportunity to go home for a week. As I watched these strangers arrive at home and hug their children, I closed my eyes and pictured myself going home to Saipan, hugging my children, the ones with whom I connected so strongly. I would give absolutely anything to be with them again. They are the most important people in my life, despite the great physical distance between us. I think about them everyday, I relive our times together, and picture them growing up, as I know they are.

I wish I could go home.

I Miss

2009-10-13T22:16:00.001-07:00

Dear Judith,

I just found this document on my computer. I guess I wrote it right after I got back to America. It all still applies.

I miss the oppressive heat.
I miss the blue ocean.
I miss Yellow Mango strawberry banana smoothies.
I miss being noticed by everyone around me.
I miss my class. Oh so much.
I miss cockroaches. It's true, I do.
I miss my incredibly strong support system.
I miss being genuinely liked by the people around me.
I miss my lack of drama and the lack of boys around me.
I miss seeing Asian people.
I miss free mangoes and starfruit.
I miss hearing Japanese.
I miss Rhonda cooking for me.
I miss Rhonda.
I miss being called Miss Jaimie.
I miss the beautiful beaches.
I miss snorkeling and camping at Managaha.
I miss driving down Beach Road.
I miss being able to go to work without driving on Beach Road.
I miss knowing my way around and having a nice car to drive.
I miss late nights with friends.
I miss praise songs at church.
I miss TGIS.
I miss all the kids from SDA.
I miss the Yoshidas.
I miss being someone, contributing something.
I miss the way that I talked.
I miss having something to blog about.
I miss jumping in the grotto.
I miss dancing with Sanchez and Angie.
I miss Sanchez and Angie.
I miss Clean Laundry.
I miss fried bananas.
I miss Street.
I miss apple green tea.
I miss getting dressed up and going to Garapan.
I miss Wave Jungle.
I miss PIC slides, on my stomach, feet first.
I miss Oleai tacos.
I miss tutoring.
I miss Sean's peach cobbler and fettuccine alfredo.
I miss Barbara's salad.
I miss the Maycocks.
I miss the opportunity to get tan.
I miss Bobby Cadillacs.
I miss Sabbath afternoon hikes with the Piersons.
I miss laughing with my Angela.
I miss Cristina teaching me how to act "D.C."
I miss who I was.
I miss the feeling of accomplishment.
I miss my hair.
I miss never seeing white people.
I miss aloe juice.
I miss driving to Banzai by myself, late at night.
I miss freedom.
I miss traveling.
I miss REAL.
I miss feeling like I was home.

Starbucks is nothing. American boys are awful. I just want to be back where I belong.

Wait It Out

2009-10-09T22:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,

I recently purchased Imogen Heap's new CD, entitled Ellipse. My current favorite song from the album is "Wait It Out".

Everyday, I think of what might have been, if I had stayed for a second year, if I had extended my contract. I feel like I lost myself on the trip back to America. Perhaps the real me never left the airport in Saipan. Sometimes I feel like I'll never reconcile who I was there with who I am here. I wonder if I'll ever recover from the loss of my Saipan home, family, and life. How can I speed up the process? In fact, I may want to hold on to the pain of goodbyes, because at least that part of Saipan is still real in America.

As I try to endure my feelings of desperation for Saipan, it helps to know that others can put my feelings to music in a way that is much more comforting than I anything I could ever conjure. Here are the lyrics:

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond these questions...

Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed
that cuts me with every could-have-been

Pain on pain on play repeating
with the backup, makeshift life in waiting

Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?

There's nothing to see here now,
turning the sign around
We're closed to the earth 'til further notice

A stumbling cliched case,
crumpled and puffy faced
Dead in the stare of a thousand miles

All I want, only one, street level miracle
I'll be an out and out, born again, from none more
cynical

And sit here cold, we will be long gone by then
In lackluster, in dust we layer on old magazines,
fluorescent lighting sets the scene
in the one life that we've got

And sit here
Just going to wait it out
And sit here cold
Just going to sweat it out
Wait it out

It's About The People

2009-10-07T22:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,

Tomorrow marks the four month anniversary of my leaving Saipan. In some ways, life's ease has increased as the time passed. I am not as constantly cold as I was on my return. I have begun to re-insert myself into society, the one which I left behind in my journey to...what did my year in Saipan accomplish? Perhaps that's for another blog. Perhaps I've already covered that topic to death, and you have discontinued your readership to avoid my repetitious sentiments. In any case, though some things have begun to seem normal again, I still find myself longing for the place that I left.

I was looking through the pictures of a current preschool teacher in Saipan, and I found something which I suppose I've always known. Saipan is beautiful. I miss the warm sun, the sparkling beaches, and the beautiful flowers, but none of those pictures really caught my attention or caused my eyes to fill with tears. However, when I saw pictures of the students who captured my heart and still hold it, I immediately had to look away, and still I could not fight back the tears. Just the thought of them, in a world so far away that I could not reach them if I tried sends me right back to the airport on my last night in Saipan.

I recall so keenly, sitting in a chair by the cafe in the airport, talking with Tali, Rhonda, Edna. I hadn't started to cry yet, and I was wondering if I even would. Then Edna said, "I know who Miss Jaimie will miss," and she began writing a student's name on my leg with her finger. That was all it took and I completely broke down.

I have since tried to mentally picture every child who was in my class during the course of the year, and so far, I haven't made it past the first name before I have to give up my task.

Saipan is a wonderful place, but I didn't fall in love with the island. I fell in love with the people: the people I worked with, the students I taught, the people I went to church with and learned from. Life isn't about where you are or even what you're doing. It turns out that it doesn't matter if you're in Oregon, or D.C., or even Ohio. It's about the people, and that's what I truly miss about Saipan.

My class on picture day

The goodbye group at the airport

REAL--What a blessing

New Year's at Tapochau

End of the island tour--Sunset at Tapochau

Final Update On Bunny

2009-09-16T19:39:00.001-07:00

Dear Judith,

As I was reading old posts from last year, I realized that I never told you the final story of Bunny, my favorite little student from Saipan. She was my heart and soul in Saipan, and she taught me so much.

In the beginning of the year, I posted a picture of her on myspace. A friend from home commented on the picture, saying how cute she was. I remember disagreeing in my mind. Bunny is not cute. She is beautiful and fierce and independent and needy, a gaggle of contradictions, wrapped up in a tiny 3 year old's body.

Bunny left for four months during the school year. I didn't know if she would ever come back to school, though I did occasionally see her and her family at Street. I remember so clearly the day that she returned. It was around ten in the morning, and I was peeling an orange for breakfast, though we had already started craft activities. Out the front window of my classroom, I saw Bunny and her mother strolling toward the door. My heart dropped and I couldn't believe that she was actually coming back into my life. For weeks, I watched the door every morning, hoping that she would come back to school and she never failed. My baby had come back to me.

A few months later, the preschool graduation was scheduled, planned, and decorated meticulously. The children behaved for the most part, and things went off without a hitch. I was roaming around the church after the program, greeting parents and saying some goodbyes to my class. I was feeling sad, but I had promised myself that I wouldn't break down in front of everyone, until I saw Bunny. One look at her and I completely lost all my composure. I sat down outside the church and held her, sobbing, while her mother looked on sympathetically. It was then that her mother gave me the greatest gift ever: comforting words in my time of greatest anguish.

"Bunny used to not like school. Then you came, and she doesn't cry anymore when I take her. She really likes you. If we never see you again here, then in heaven." I could do little more than nod and whisper my thanks.

Bunny went to the office on my last day of work, and she cried. I nearly cried also. The last thing that I wanted to do was be separated from my baby, but I always tried to do right by her. She wouldn't fall asleep during nap time, so I laid down with her. She talked to me. She was sweet and she was hilarious. After the kids woke up, she let me take a picture with her, and she smiled. I cried.

My last day

I haven't heard from her mother since I left, but I believe that Bunny is in Jesus' hands, which is the only place where she could be more loved than with me. But I still miss my darling more than anything.

Our last field trip to American Memorial Park

On the Playground

Moving On....Again

2009-09-16T19:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,

The time has come for me to say goodbye to my life again. I'll be leaving camp tomorrow, after three months of living here. Again, I have to leave everything that I know and plunge into the unknown. I'm going back to Walla Walla University, but nothing will be the same as when I was there before. I'll be living off-campus with my mom, I'll have friends, I'll be working more than ever before. As I ponder my future, everyone else is playing Frustration around Douglas's and Darla's kitchen table.

Sam, Phillip, Jessica, and I have been hanging out nearly every night since I got back from Tennessee. We've experienced many adventures, and I'm sad to say goodbye to this laid-back portion of my life. Sam and Jessica will be at WWU with me, but Phillip has yet to decide where he will spend the next year.

Leaving camp reminds me of leaving Saipan. The ache has not yet left, and I feel it sincerely everyday. I'd like to say that I'm happy and enjoying life, but I can't forget about all the people and adventures that I have left behind. Perhaps someday, I will grow up and accept life's changes, but for now, I relish the pain that these memories bring.

Last Sabbath together

My last sunset in SPN

Looking out over Bonzai

Driving home after my last hang out with Michi

Latest Adventures

2009-08-20T09:30:00.001-07:00

Dear Judith,

Hey! I haven't talked to you in ages. I hope everything is going well. I really miss you. I had a lot of your campers in my cabin this summer and they all raved about what a good counselor you were and how much they missed you. Thanks for letting me have them though. They were all fantastic. I nearly cried when my teen campers left.

I recently got back from roadtripping to Tennessee with Krystin. It was just the two of us and Delilah and I had just learned how to drive stick shift two days before. It was pretty sketch but somehow we survived and it only took us two and a half days! I hung out in Tennessee for about a week with Krystin, David, and Kristen then flew back and now I'm back at camp, which, besides Saipan, is my favorite place to be.

Somehow, Douglas talked me into going rafting the other day. I'm not sure why I went, but I did. It was Douglas, Darla, Kate, Jessica, Courtney, Matthew, and some camp supporters in my raft. We were doing pretty well, until, we hit a rock. I fell out of the raft and went through the rapid on my back. It was scary but I survived with only a few cuts and bruises. I have, however, learned my lesson: Never trust Douglas! :)

My hip, thanks to Douglas

It's been a good time, but I still miss Saipan with every fiber of my being, and I would go back in a heartbeat. Please tell me that feeling eventually goes away. I love you and miss you Jude!!

Not My Words

2009-07-01T13:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,

Though I've remained (in my opinion) fairly silent about my time in Saipan, my journal is filled to the brim with bottled up feelings. I have no more words to describe the way I feel; all of my sentences have dried up and floated away, no longer any use to me or anyone else.

I recently finished reading a book which has helped me immensely. "The World Below", by an author who I cannot remember at the moment was a random purchase on the clearance shelf at BestSellers, by Joeten in Susupe. A portion of it is is set in the late 19th century, and the protagonist contracts tuberculosis and is sent to a sanatorium. While there, she lives in an isolated world, much different from the one from whence she came. When she returns home, her father is engaged, and her whole life is flipped upside down, and she has great difficulty reconciling her double lives.

My journal is filled with quotes which accurately describe how I'm feeling in words that I could never conjure on my own. I'm going to share a few of my favorites, so my feelings could be understood.

"It made me think of the borders we all cross, the distances we've all come from what feels like home. Who lives at home in America, now?"

"Now I began to see myself, my story...I saw, in fact, that I had a story. But not only that. I saw myself as I was seen, physically moving around in [Saipan]. [Saipan] gave me this: self-consciousness. Before her, I had been invisibly at the center of my world. But the world grew larger for me now, and I became visible in it. To myself, most of all."

"'You're a new gal!' she said, with tears in her eyes, and Georgia felt that someone, at last, had seen her, had understood that everything was changed in her life." (Haven't had that moment yet.)

"Sitting here now...she found it difficult to believe in the other world, in what she had become and done...[a]nd yet she could hardly believe in this world either, she felt so cut off from it now. As though this life, these events, were a dream she was living through. When someone spoke to her, she half expected bubbles to rise from her mouth, she felt so underwater, she felt she was moving so slowly and thickly through the day. Would she ever outgrow this? Would her own life become familiar and comfortable to her again, as life in [Saipan] had? Or had she made herself unfit for it, with all that she'd done, all that she'd learned? Of course, she was thinking, it wasn't her own life anymore, not as she'd known it. Maybe that was all the trouble. Maybe it was just a matter of getting used to [the way things] would be run."

"I recognized that for her, the divided life had begun, that life always half lived elsewhere, always ready to be claimed and summoned."

My First Run and more Reverse Culture Shock

2009-06-21T20:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,

During my time in Saipan, I ran occasionally on the beach pathway, and a few other venues, though those stopped after the infamous "Koblerville Incident". I ran a couple 5Ks and really enjoyed getting more physically fit.

Since coming back to America, I've experienced some shortness of breath due to the high elevation. That had decreased in frequency, so I assumed I was ready for a run and today was the day.

Krystin and I started running at cabin 9, with the plan to run to the second teepee of Camp Morrison, for a total distance of 2 miles. We began and I was feeling pretty good, but we weren't even a mile in when I had to stop and walk because my lungs were burning. It was a very frustrating feeling, because my body wasn't tired, but I simply couldn't get enough air.

I was able to run the full mile back, but it was definitely a strong reminder that I am no longer in Saipan. Oh, how I would give anything to go back. Today has been a particularly hard for no particular reason. I found a preschool toy in my pocket today. One of the kids must have put it in on my last day. I nearly broke down in the middle of staff worship. Also, Sean had to put the video of Rhonda and my long walk, which is probably the cause of my current emotional mood.

Just a rough day.

At Camp

2009-06-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,

I'm sorry. I didn't give you enough credit last year. I didn't understand the trials of being back in America after being in Saipan. I'm sorry for not listening more, because all I want right now is for someone to just shut up and listen to me talk about my class and my life in Saipan.

Jonathan and I drove to camp today. It was a lovely drive, though a bit long for my taste. I'm used to a max of 30 minute long car rides. We arrived and I unpacked everything into my cabin (cabin 7--woot woot) and went into town with Krystin.

We were back by 7 for worship and we were then released for free time. I went back to my cabin, grabbed my computer and came to the staff lounge to chat with Saipan friends. When I was missing people too much, I decided to call Rhonda, ruling out Angie and Cristina because it was too late to call them. We talked for maybe 30 minutes and I felt better while talking to her and worse when I was done.

I don't know how to talk to people and I'm always cold. I just want to go back to Saipan and leave this dark, cold, and lonely place. I don't know how you survived, Judith.

In America

2009-06-10T09:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,

I'm extremely tired, sick to my stomach, and completely lonely, all signs that I am back in America.

Saturday night was the teacher goodbye party for Rhonda, Nicole, and I. The rest of the teachers are staying on for another year. It was a good night, full of picture taking, good conversations, games, and of course, plenty of tears.

Rhonda and I left Saipan at 4:30 in the morning on Monday. Walking through security and leaving everyone was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To make it worse, a close friend had written me a letter which I read while waiting to board the plane. In retrospect, that probably wasn't a very smart idea, as it only increased the flow of tears.

Rhonda and I separated in Guam and I went on to Honolulu, which was about a seven hour flight. I barely slept at all, but I also barely cried. I waited in Honolulu for a couple of hours, then continued on to Seattle, where I had my first taste of Starbucks since Tokyo in November. It made me completely sick to my stomach.

It was a short flight from Seattle to Boise, and I sobbed the whole time. I felt very bad for the lady sitting next to me.

My parents and Krystin met me at the airport and it's been a whirlwind ever since. I'm in Walla Walla now, and really struggling with the social side of things. It's hard when you've been gone for a year, but I'm sure that will come with time.

I miss Saipan and my life there more than anything. I would trade anything and everything just to be able to go back. I don't feel like I fit in or belong here anymore, and I just want to go home. Pray for me Judith, please.

My Last Sabbath

2009-06-05T20:38:00.001-07:00

Dear Judith,

This year has flown by and I can't believe that it's nearly over. Rhonda and I fly out on Monday morning and the rest of the girls leave on Tuesday. I'm not ready to leave and I don't feel prepared to deal with the world that is waiting for me in America. No part of me wants to be back there. I don't know how to deal with my feelings, but crying has proved a viable option.

Yesterday, I went to the preschool for the last time. I was fine, until I said goodbye to Taka. He held on to my neck so tightly, and I didn't want to put him down. I'm not ready to say goodbye.

Tonight is the goodbye party for the three of us who are leaving. I would give anything in the world to trade places with Angie, Cristina, and Megan, who will be coming back here next year. I'm just now starting to get to know many of the elementary students and I have to say goodbye.

Though she wouldn't like to admit it, Rhonda is having just as much of a hard time as I am, and I can understand why. Her kids are amazing. All the kids here are just fantastic, and the thought that I may never see them again is unbearable.

Please, Judith, pray for me in the coming weeks. I don't know how I'll survive them.

Australia

2009-05-28T23:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,

Oh boy. I have not blogged in such a long time. It's a beautiful Friday afternoon in Saipan, and Krystin and I are sitting at Java Joe's, drinking soy chai, and I'm trying to remember the details from RCT's trip to Cairns Australia.

We left on a Thursday afternoon. In the airport, we were assigned children to watch. I got Joy and Tali, and we quickly formed Team Jet. Everyone was jealous of us. Our motto was, "We enter with style!"

We stopped in Guam for a bit, and everyone ate dinner. The kids were so excited to get Burger King! I was lucky to have an empty seat next to me, so a friend came to sit by me. I practiced my Japanese and wrote in my journal on the 4 hour flight.

Customs took awhile longer than it should have, due to some of our props, but we finally made it out and loaded up into some taxis. Our taxi, however, did not start, so Carol, Megan, Michi, and I had to wait for another one to come get us.

We arrived at the Bohemia Resort and were amazed at how nice it was. We settled in for the night and woke up early Friday morning for our show at the Cairns SDA Elementary school. It went well, and the little Australian children were so cute!

We were lucky to have the afternoon off, and we went to Cairns Tropical Zoo. It was epic-ly awesome. I held a koala and fed kangaroos. I loved it.

We had a performance that night at a church plant, and they seemed very receptive, especially to our Lifehouse pantomime.

Saturday started off with a performance for Youth SS, followed by church and a yummy potluck. Some of the kids went with Sean and Rhonda to be on the radio, and the rest of us got ready for the afternoon performance in Edmonton. Again, Tali performed beautifully, and they weren't many dry eyes in the house at the end of Lifehouse.

The evening was spent playing volleyball and wandering around the Night Market, and the money began to disappear. Australia is very expensive.

On Sunday, we went to a lake and went tubing and kneeboarding. Amy, Michi, and I left a little bit early, trying to make it up to Kuranda, an aboriginal village, but we were too late. By the time we got there, almost everything was closed. We sadly went back to Bohemia and chilled until bedtime.

Amy left the next morning, so we had no more cars. Rhonda, Michi, and I tried Kuranda again and this time we had great success! It was a really cool place, and it was a neat experience to walk through all the shops.

We left that night, headed back to Saipan, but not before hitting up the night market again. I spent so much money, but it was well worth it. Australia was a really great experience, and I feel very lucky to be able to have gone with some of my favorite people.

Miss you Judith. I haven't heard from you in a long time. Hope everything is great! Love you!

My Last Day of Tutoring

2009-05-05T00:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,

As I'm sure you know, tutoring is a great way to earn some extra money while living on Saipan, and I have been lucky enough to tutor two great kids since I got here. Ricky moved back to Korea a few months ago, and, sadly, my last day to tutor Charlotte was last Thursday.

Charlotte has been awesome. I love her and I was really sad to end my time with her. Most of our time was spent talking (I justified it by telling myself that I was helping her with her conversational English) and playing hangman. I really grew to care about her a lot.

We accomplished practically nothing on our last day, but we did take lots of pictures and eat lots of candy. Here are some of the best ones:

Yoshi

2009-05-04T20:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,

As my time on Saipan draws to a close, my mind is constantly filled with thoughts of my class. Here's some more of them.

Everything in the world belongs to Yoshi. I learned that pretty early in my time as his teacher. He is the only boy and the youngest in his family, which has led to him being completely and totally spoiled rotten. In anger, he has hit, pinched, and bit me. He never listens when you ask him not to touch something, he eats the other kids' snacks (keep reading for a story of that), he is loud and obnoxious when asked to be quiet, and I love him more than I could have ever believed to be possible.

At Lee's Birthday Lunch

Yoshi is one of the cutest kids I have ever seen. His big eyes, chubby cheeks, dark hair, and easy laugh have all found their way into my heart. He loves his papa, and it's adorable to see how close they are.

A few weeks ago, Yoshi told me that he had eaten some cereal out of a classmate's cubby. I informed him that that type of behavior was not okay, and then asked why he did it. He answered, completely matter of factly, "Because I was SO hungry!" I really tried not to laugh, but I just couldn't do it.

Yoshi and I play a game nearly everyday at naptime. It started off simply enough. "Oyasumi nasai Yoshi," I said, so proud of the fact that I'd learned more Japanese.
"Oyasumi nasai Miss Jaimie...osaru" (Translation: Good night Miss Jaimie monkey)
"Oyasumi nasai Yoshi...osagi" (Translation: Good night Yoshi rabbit)
And so the game began. We go back and forth, always trying to come up with a new word. Perhaps I'm easily entertained, but I always end up trying to laugh quietly so I don't disturb the rest of the class. It works out well for him though, because it means he can stay awake just a little bit longer.

One of my biggest breakthroughs this year was with Yoshi. I nearly cried when it happened, and I'm sure that teachers are the the only people who could understand why. I was standing, cutting paper for an upcoming project. Yoshi was on the floor, and it was right after snack time. I wasn't really paying attention, so he grabbed my leg. He looked up at me, and said, "Miss Jaimie?"
"Yes, Yoshi," I replied.
"May I play with the blocks?"
To fully understand why this was such a big deal, you would've had to have been me, struggling for the past few months, trying to make my class understand that before you play with a toy, you must ask. Yoshi had asked. He asked.

Sleepy, coming back from a field trip

Yoshi teaches me Japanese, he gives me hugs, he falls asleep in my arms almost everyday. My mind, my body, and my soul will surely feel empty when he's no longer around to fill me with his joy and laughter.

My heart breaks with every second that brings me closer to leaving these precious children.

Rihanna

2009-04-29T20:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,

I'm frantically trying to blog while on my lunch break, but I have a feeling that this one won't be finished before I need to get back to work.

A few months ago, Belle left my class. She was a beautiful girl and not a day passes that I don't miss her. About a week after she left, Rihanna joined my class. She's Korean and has the same name as Belle (though I refer to them differently on here).

I quickly became attracted to her quick wit and easy laugh, though for the first few weeks, I had to guess what she was saying because she knew very little English.

She came to Outdoor School at Managaha with her mom, and had her first experience with the ocean. She loved it.

Rihanna is a great dancer. I don't know where she finds these dances but she's absolutely hilarious. I used to think that I could never love a kid who came halfway through the year as much as I loved the ones who had been there the whole time, but she proved me wrong.

I don't think about what my life will be like without her. I've spent literally hours laughing at her antics. She fits into my class, and into my life, perfectly, and this Rihanna would never get back together with Chris Brown is he beat her.

When she doesn't hear what you say, she cups her hand next to her year. When she giggles, she puts her hand in front of her mouth. When she is pretending to be scared, she shakes like a leaf. She loves to pretend that her fingers are a spider crawling all over me. From the second she walks in the door until the moment she leaves, my world shines a little brighter.

I can't imagine loving anything or anyone more than I love my kids.

My Song

2009-04-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,

It's been awhile since I've written, and even longer since I've heard from you. Hope everything is going well for you. I miss talking to you.

I've had a few songs written for or about me in my life. Some of them are less than flattering (The Jaimie Nickell Song, performed by Donnie Keele) and some are so sickeningly sweet that I can hardly tolerate to listen to them (Sam wrote such a song for me). However, my favorite one was written today, on a whim, by a three year old.

I put Jonathan on time out for the third time in three days for hanging on the branch of the tree by the window. I've started making him complete tasks before he can get off time out. Yesterday, it was to run three laps around the playground. Today, I asked him to sing me a song.

We've been practicing songs for our Mother's Day Tea Party next week. One of the songs is to the tune of "Are you sleeping?" and the singer proclaims their love for their mommy.

Jonathan, without missing a beat, began to sing my song.

I love Miss Jaimie, I love Miss Jaimie
Yes I do, Yes I do
Miss Jaimie loves me too, Miss Jaimie loves me too
Yes she does, Yes she does.

I can't imagine anything better.

With a hug and a kiss, Jonathan was off to play, and I was left to wonder how I'll ever survive without these kids.

I simply don't think I can.

Saipan Words and Phrases

2009-04-17T21:12:00.001-07:00

Dear Judith,

Since coming to Saipan, my vocabulary has changed in many ways, most of them making me sound like English is my second language. Some of them are just island words or phrases. Rhonda and Nicole are helping compile a list of things that we now say that we never used to.

1. On/off the aircon/lights.
2. Zorries and slippers
3. I hate men.
4. How many points do I get if I run over that guy?
5. Seriously? (Power just went out)
6. Did anyone get any water today?
7. Cannot, did not, should not, etc. in place of can't, didn't, shouldn't
8. Hafa Adai!
9. Ahh, there's a cockroach. Can I borrow your shoe?
10. My kids
11. No hitting/biting
12. Isn't she cute? (referring to picture on my camera)
13. Wanna go to the beach?
14. Ugh, I don't want to tutor today.
15. Yes! I got a box today!
16. When's my lunch break?
17. Let's get dressed up and go to Garapan!
18. Ahh! I'm going 50 mph! So fast!
19. A white person! Wait, are they Russian?
20. It's so cold!!
21. Hit the dog!
22. I cannot see!
23. No, I will not marry you with your nasty betelnut stained teeth.
24. Yeah, I live here. I'm not a tourist. Stop welcoming me to Saipan.
25. Really? (In reference to being followed, whistled at, or honked at by local men)
26. I'm so done with you (Usually said to Kei)
27. Let's go to Steve's and watch a movie
28. It's Friday!!!
29. Why do all the Russian men wear speedos?
30. Stupid humidity!
31. You have to watch out for those chunamis!
32. Did you know So and so? They just got engaged/married
33. What time is it back home?
34. Can I follow?
35. Plenty

This year has definitely memorable. I can't say that I've enjoyed all of it, but I'm trying to take each day as it comes and love the people that I encounter. Love you Jude!

The World's Best Roommate

2009-03-08T03:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,

My first roommate was during my sophomore year in high school. I don't want to name any names, but it did not work out well. My next roommate was awesome and we got along great. However, my college roommates were both disasters. I did not have high hopes for this year, what with coming to Saipan and working with a whole bunch of girls.

Being goofy at Yellow Mango

I still remember that first night in Saipan. I didn't sleep much, despite my extreme jet lag. I was in the big room at the house on the compound, just Megan (office assistant) and me, while Girlie slept upstairs.

Unexpected shot at the beach

A few days later, I came home after work to an empty house. Subee was gone and I felt so incredibly alone. That was the only time all year when I think I would've gone home if I'd been given the chance.

However, that was the night that God gave me the best gift. Rhonda flew in and nothing has been that same since. Throughout every blessing and trial this year, she has been there. We've been angry together, happy together, scared together, and frustrated together. We were even attacked together, which is truly a bonding experience, though not one that I would recommend.

After hiking down to Forbidden,
This picture was taken by Sean Maycock. He wanted credit.

We share all things, and I honestly can only remember one time when I could tell that she was frustrated with me. She cooks for me, she cleans up after me (sometimes), she kicks me out of bed in the mornings when I don't want to go running.

I don't think that I could've survived this year without her, and I'm so thankful that God led her here, to be a part of my life, hopefully forever. She's one of the best friends that I can imagine, and I can't believe how I lived without her and I don't know how I'll function at camp without her.

In the car, on the way home from church

Rhonda went to SAU for her first semester of college, then transferred to WWU for no apparent reason at the time. She worked at camp through Kelli, and planned on going to Majuro for six weeks before returning to WWU. Instead, in Hawaii, she found out that Saipan still needed a teacher, and after a whirlwind day of me begging her, she agreed to come.

It's amazing to see how God works all things for the good of those who love Him, even when we completely don't understand why. It didn't make sense for her to transfer when she was happy at SAU, but if she hadn't, then we wouldn't have met, and my Saipan experience would have been completely different.

Sabbath morning photo op

I hope you still keep in touch with your Saipan roommates, because I believe that they are some of the best friends you could ever have.

I love you Jude!

My First Love

2009-03-06T22:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Judith,

I've never been in love before, not truly. Sure, I've dated, and then, I believed that I was experiencing that emotion, but when it was all said and done, I was never heartbroken, never too upset to see things ending.

I came to Saipan, expecting no big changes, nothing groundbreaking, nothing profound. But then, I fell in love, not only with this place, but with myself. Slowly, I became more able to love others and to give more of myself. The love that I now felt could easily be transferred to those around me.

I'm afraid to leave this island, to fall out of love with me, to stop being this person that I've become, to tear down all that I've built over the last 7 months. I can be introspective now and not leave feeling depressed. I see the world through different eyes, and I don't want to fall back into the mold, the shell of who I was before I came here.

Visitors

2009-03-05T03:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Judith,

While reading a book, you encounter the eerie feeling of being watched. You try to regain your focus in the story, but there's little hope of that. You glance around and nervously smile, trying to shake the suddenly uncomfortable atmosphere.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see him. Dark and hairy, he stares up at you for a few seconds before hurriedly scurrying away.

If you live in Saipan, then you should be quite familiar with this sensation. Cockroaches seem to love my house, especially the kitchen. I remember one particular time at the beginning of the year when we found a few cockroaches (or rather, they found us) and I went to bed in a tizzy, determined to leave this tiny dot of land.

Or there was the time a few weeks ago, when five or six of them got in the house on Rhonda's package that was left in Subee for a few hours. One of them crawled down her shirt, and the screams echoed in my ears for about 5 minutes. During the next half an hour, we killed the rest of them.

We used to be snobs and only use cockroach spray, but shoes are so much more effective. However, I wish that I didn't know the color of cockroach guts (black).

Sure, I live in a completely infested house, but I wouldn't trade it for the nicest mansion in America. I truly love my life here.

I'm very proud of my kills!

Week of Prayer/Managaha

2009-03-01T22:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Judith,

Last week was the week of prayer on both campuses here at Saipan SDA. Our school was blessed to have a great speaker, one Jerry Duane Nickell.

I was so lucky to have my daddy come to visit me, and my mom "surprised" me too. It was such a fun week, and it was great to hang out with them. Here's some of the highlights:

Sunday morning, we went to Java Joe's for breakfast. Then we went on the island tour with Amy, Michi, Kei, Kei's girlfriend, and Kono. My mom asked me if she should wear sunscreen. I told her that I'd never really burned here, so there probably wasn't much need. I guess I should've knocked on wood, because I got so red! Of course, neither of my parents burned.

Wednesday night, we picked up Michi and Kei, and took a big group down to Bobby Cadillac's. It was so much fun to just relax with everyone. Then, we went to PIC and it was freezing! It took not a small amount of coercion to get my mom into the water, but I think she had fun when it was all said and done.

Throughout the week, my dad did some great talks and made many positive connections with the kids. By the end of the week, he had adopted both Michi and Kei, and I think he would've taken them all if he could've.

Friday morning, we headed out to Managaha for outdoor school. I barely had any of my kids come, but it was so much fun to hang out with the older kids. I was on the teambuilding and games committee (same as you!) and we had some great times. We did a junk scramble and I was in charge of a spiderweb activity.

Saturday night--ahh, Capture the Flag. I almost didn't play because I cut my foot on Friday and it got infected but Angie wrapped it up and I'm so glad that I played. I was on Sean's team which was great. We lost the first game, and the second game went for so long that the other team surrendered, but it was good. I was a flag guard and Kono, Antonee, and Kimin definitely kept me on my toes. Still, everyone had a fun time and we have started making plans to play against other private school teachers.

Last night, we all went to Coffee Care for Nicole's birthday and reminisced on how we all ended up in Saipan. I really have you to thank for my coming. I love Saipan and I can't imagine leaving.

We took my parents to the airport this morning at 3 o'clock. It's sad, but I'll be home again in 3 months. I can't believe how quickly this year has flown by, but I feel so blessed to be here and a part of this awesome team.

I miss you and love you Jude!!!

Only One More

2009-02-13T22:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Judith,

I've written this blog a thousand times in my head, but I suppose I'll finally share it, as it was written on the day that it occurred.

Today is Belle's last day. I've known about it for about two weeks, but nothing can truly prepare you for having your heart ripped out and flown to Korea.
I remember my first day with her. I had no idea what I was doing, and I was wracking my brain, trying to figure out how I had gotten myself into this situation on this miniscule island. It was naptime, and my attempts to soothe the children to sleep were proving futile. Belle was wide awake, but everytime I told her to close her eyes, she obeyed.
It wasn't long before I began to wonder if that obedience was a fluke. She is a rambunctious three-year old, beautiful and incredibly intelligent, oftentimes too smart for her own good, but she was a blessing to my class, always providing the correct answers and making me laugh with her funny faces. Belle gives the tightest hugs that you can imagine, holding on with all her might, sometimes making me wonder if she was trying to suffocate me.
It was only a couple weeks into school when her mother, Oma, marched into my classroom, took one look at me, and offered me a job tutoring her son, Ricky. I accepted, excited at the prospect of extra income. I began going to their apartment 4 nights a week and we became quite close. Tutoring was usually frustrating, and Oma served me octopus pancakes, but I loved that family fiercely.
On the ride home, I would puff out my cheeks like a monkey and Belle would smush them back. My face would ache, but I couldn't say no to Belle when she would say, "No, only one more!"
"Only one more" became her catchphrase anytime I wanted to quit something, and I usually gave in. There were days when the only thing I wanted was to get off this island and fly back to America, but her voice would resound in my head, and I would find the strength to make it through "only one more" day.
And now, Belle stands in the doorway with Oma, and I am powerless to stop them from leaving. I say goodbye to this child and her mother, my Saipan family. The only thing echoing in my head is Belle, voicing my desire for more days, weeks, months with them.

Oh Belle, only one more.

Untitled

2009-01-27T01:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Judith,

Untitled. Unsure. Unknown. That's how I feel now.

January has been long. It feels like forever since we've talked. I really miss you. I miss having someone to talk about Saipan with, someone who can relate to my experiences and tell me that I'll make it out alive.

My dad is coming next month to be the week of prayer speaker and then he'll come to Managaha with us. I'm very excited about that.

I got a counseling job at camp. I hope that I do well. I'm very excited about it.

With every day that passes, I love my kids more and more and more.

Other than that, I feel like I'm just drifting in the waves of what's transpiring around me. I had hoped that this year would provide some direction for my life, but I'm even more confused, if possible.

The people that I expected to keep in touch this year haven't, and the ones that I didn't expect haven't either. I feel very cut off from everyone, and though it's partly my fault, I feel as though I can pull the lonely SM card, an advantage which they lack. I haven't even talked to Krystin in a month. I guess I just expected more, you know? That's most likely causing some of my wanderings.

I have not made a decision regarding next year. I'm considering staying. Can you offer some advice? I've been turning it over and over in my head for almost 2 months, and I have trouble sleeping because of it.

Thank you for letting me vent. You really are a huge support to me. I miss you and love you.

Those Troublesome American Kids!!

2009-01-08T22:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Judith,

Most of my time is spent either with my kids or thinking about them, as I'm sure you understand. My love for them is so deep that I can't even fathom it. It shouldn't come as a surprise that I have more to tell you about them.

Bear

Bear is a beautiful, fun, crazy girl in my class. She was adopted, and like most American children here, her mom is a teacher. She has an older brother and an older sister. Her mom and dad are some of the nicest people that I've met on-island.

Bear only has two speeds: Super fast and asleep. She's very smart, though occasionally mean to the other kids. She's very loving, and she can't say her "R's" correctly yet, so I'm often called "Teacho!!" She loves to tell me what the other kids are doing wrong, even selling out her closest friends, but she's a good girl.

Her laughter is infectious, and she's hilarious. The only times she gets time out is for running around the classroom and I envy her energy. Her closest allies are Jonathan and Lee, and she's rarely seen with any of the other children. The three of them fight like crazy, but at the end of the day, wherever one of them is, the others are never far behind.

Jonathan

I call him Jonathan because he reminds me exactly of my brother. He's so cute and charming most of the time, but his mood swings leave me reeling. He's another one of my American kids, and his mom is a teacher at DanDan Elementary. He has an older brother in the pre-kinder class. I've heard his mom say that she'd almost rather stay at school with her twenty 2nd graders than go home to her two sons. They are a handful and a half. Still, I love Jonathan all the more for his quirks.

Jonathan spends quite a bit of his time in the infamous office. Literally, days have been spent sitting on a chair in there. It helps sometimes, but until recently, when his parents started spanking him, his bad behavior would resume as soon as he got back in the classroom. His parents were worried that his behavior would soon resemble that of his older brother's, which it did, and they decided that drastic steps needed to be taken. I'm so thankful that they did.

Jonathan spends most of his out-of-the-office time with Lee and Bear. He loves playing monster in the classroom (which is against the rules), but rarely plays it outside (where it is permissible). The problem with punishing Jonathan is that he is so incredibly cute, it's hard not to let your heart just melt when you look at him. I was once asking him why he was running around the classroom, to which he replied, "My brother was chasing me." I explained that if he stopped running, then his brother would stop chasing him. He looked up at me with huge brown eyes, nearly brimming with tears, and simply said, "But I was being a cat." I almost lost my composure and smiled but I somehow kept it all together.

Jonathan is adorable, and his genes seem promising for a great physical appearance throughout his adult life. He is a great kid, and I can't imagine my life without him.

Lee

Lee didn't want to come to school on his first day, which was also my first day. His mom tried to drop him off, but he refused. Later, he changed his mind and showed up with his grandma. His mom is a teacher and his dad works at PTI. He has a little sister, who he calls "My Baby", but he kindly informs me that I can call her Zoey.

Lee is my boy. He has been since the beginning. Of course, he drives me nuts sometimes. He almost always repeats what I just said to the other kids, with the precursor, "Miss Jaimie just said..." but he is very sweet. He rarely fights with the other children and is almost always willing to share with any of his classmates. Of course, his close cohorts are Sera and Jonathan, the other American children, but he is a friend to nearly everyone in the class.

When I say, "I love you, my boy", he replies, "I love you, my girl." There's nothing in the world that compares to the feeling I get when one of my kids tell me that they love me. It makes every hard and frustrating hour totally worth it.

He's the tallest kid in my class, but he still loves it when I pick him up. He hugs me so tight, and my heart swells with love.

I have the best job in the world. There's none other that offers this kind of satisfaction, and it's all because of those "troublesome" American kids.

My First Week Back

2009-01-08T22:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Judith,

Well, I'm finally done with this work week, and it's a good thing for everyone involved. My patience was quite short this week, and my poor kids suffered the worst of it. It didn't help that most of them were getting readjusted to the school schedule and couldn't stop running wild. Still, I've finished this week loving each of them more than when I started.

Banana, Beckham, Bunny, Ricky, and a few others are still on vacation. Not having them around makes my class feel empty, though I must admit that it is nice to only have 11 kids as opposed to 16. Some of them will be back next week, some the week after, but Bunny won't be back until February. I'm so depressed about that. I mean, Bunny is my girl! She went to Korea for a month, and to make matters even worse, Clean Laundry is closed until she gets back, so I have to go to Washland (by Subway in Chalan Kanoa) and no one there is as friendly.

I've been really tired this week, which is either due to my coming cold or is causing it. I've been in bed by 8 almost every night.

All the other teachers are back, but Barbara has a fever, so she cancelled staff retreat that was supposed to be this weekend. I'm okay with it, because I'm not ready to stay up past 8:30 p.m.

I got the stuff that you sent for me! Thank you so much. I love the little book of positive thoughts. You are so sweet. Is there anything that I can send you from here? Anything that you miss? I mean, besides the people.

I love you Judith!!! Hope you're having a great 2009 so far!

Camping Trip

2009-01-03T18:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Judith,

I just got back from camping at Managaha with Angie, Amy, and Amy's parents. I think that the next time I feel the urge to go camping, I'll just throw some rocks on the floor and lay down on them. Then, to make it even more realistic, I'll alternate between full blast and no AirCon. I'll throw sand in all of my bags and I'll go a couple days without showering until I'm good and stinky.

I try to like camping, but I just can't do it. I don't see the appeal of sleeping on hard ground and not showering. Everytime I go, I think that maybe this will be the time that I enjoy it, but it just hasn't happened yet.

We got to Managaha on Friday afternoon and set up camp. It was still light out, so we snorkeled for a little bit. I must admit, I did have fun at this point. Snorkeling at Managaha is so unreal. I've never seen so many fish in my entire life. I even saw my first octopus!

Dinner was veggie burgers, which were, of course, fantastic. I still had high hopes for the trip. Darkness descended and we laid on the sand, looking up at the stars. Occasionally we would have bursts of energy which would result in cartwheels, handstands, and spinning around in circles until, giggling, we collapsed on the ground. Amy's dad told us about the stars, and Angie made up constellation names.

We eventually went to our tents, and though the ground was hard, I thought I would be fine. I fell asleep for about an hour, and woke up because it was so hot. There was absolutely no wind at all and I felt suffocated. I laid there for a few hours, drifting in and out of consciousness. I was awake when Amy got up to remove the tarp that was covering our tent. Angie showed me her watch and said, "Don't you just want to jump off a cliff?" It was 12:52, and I already felt like I had been laying there forever. The rest of the night continued in a similar fashion. I think I got about 4 hours of sleep total.

Sabbath was spent snorkeling, relaxing, and reading. We vowed to go to bed later than the previous night, but after playing about 10 hands of Uno, we were bored, and we settled in for the night.

There was so much wind that we thought our tarp was going to rip. It sounded like the world was crashing in on itself and it was impossible to sleep, for me at least. Angie seemed to have no problem at all. Amy took the tarp down at about midnight, but it started raining at about 2, so it had to go back up. I eventually got a little bit of sleep, maybe 2 hours total. Every time I looked at Angie, she looked so peaceful--I just wanted to kick her!

The wind continued all night and into the morning, and made it a little bit difficult to take down camp, but we finally succeded, and loaded everything onto the Coral Queen. I'm home and clean and happy, despite my lack of sleep. I think my favorite part of camping is getting home.

I miss you. Like a lot. And I need to talk to you. Just you. Not everyone else who reads my blog. I love you Jude!

Jaimie

The Holiday Season

2009-01-01T04:04:00.001-08:00

Dear Judith,

I'm sorry that I haven't written in awhile. I wish I could say that it's because I've been busy, but this Christmas break has been the most chill, relaxing time that I've had on Saipan. I've been staying with my friend Angie because Rhonda is in America. I can't wait for her to get back, but it's good to have a break sometimes, to realize how blessed you are with what you have.

I did the Jingle Bell Fun Run in the beginning of December and that was a lot of fun. I even won a prize in the raffle! I wear my jingle bells as a badge of honor, that I ran the whole time.

Our staff Christmas party started out at the hospital, giving presents to some kids, which was a lot of fun. Then we met back up at the Maycock's for a white elephant gift exchange. I ended up with a Big Dipper gift certificate so I was happy with it!

My class Christmas party was adorable. The kids were so excited to give presents that they barely looked at the ones for them. None of our parents signed up to bring entrees, so lunch consisted of Winchell's donuts, Choco-pies, and Chips-Ahoy cookies, but somehow, the kids survived with no signs of diabetes yet. I've gone back to work a couple times over break because I miss my kids a lot.

I've been a little bit disgusted with Saipan over this break. I mean, it shouldn't be possible to get more tan over Christmas break or to go to a water park on December 21. Awful stuff, this weather.

Angie and I have been to Oleai at least 4 or 5 times since break started, for their dollar tacos. We went on her birthday and in lieu of cake or ice cream, they gave her a scoop of mashed potatoes with a candle stuck in the top.

Amy's parents have been here, and it's nice to see Dean Foote, who was one of my bosses last year at WWU. We had dinner with them on Christmas Eve and it was delicious, which is no surprise. I awoke on Christmas morning to Amy, shoving a stocking in my face, filled with fruit snacks, yahtzee, and chocopies. Angie and I went to the dental hygienist's house in the afternoon and watched a movie, then headed back home.

Most of my days have been spent in the apartment, sleeping, reading, and watching movies. I would not recomment Love in the Time of Cholera, but My Sister's Keeper (This month's book club book) and The Case for Christ were both good.

The other night, Angie, Megan (office assistant), Joeie, and I had a makeup and hair party. It was a lot of fun, and Angie did my hair really cute. Yesterday, we dyed Megan's hair and did each other's make up again, so as to enter into 2009 in an attractive way.

Last night, we had a fondue party with Amy and her parents, watched a movie, and then drove to Tapochau with Michi and Kei to watch the fireworks. It was so foggy that you could barely see anything, but the company was a great blessing and I can't imagine a better way to start the year.

We're going to Managaha tomorrow with the Footes, and camping until Sunday morning. I'm excited to enjoy the great snorkeling and hopefully work on my tan.

Thank you for your last post. It gave me some insight into how you're feeling.

I miss you Judith, and I'm totally bummed that you're not coming back to camp. Happy 2009 and I love you so much

Reflections on a Busy Week

2008-12-05T03:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Judith,
Friday evenings seem the most convenient time to blog, so I apologize if the tone is similar to my previous posts. Rhonda and I turn off the lights in a simulated power outage and rely on candles for our light. The sweet smell of incense entices us to relax from the stresses of the week as we ease into the weekend.

We've started to listen to Christmas music and I'm looking forward to a break in a couple weeks, though I'm planning on stopping by the preschool a couple of times because I know that I'm going to miss my kids. I never thought that I could love anyone as much as I love them. I'm trying to enjoy every second that I have with them because I know that time goes by so quickly and I don't want to miss anything. I don't know how much time you spent at the preschool last year, but the kids are so amazing. There aren't words to describe how much I care about them. I almost feel a parental love towards them, and I can't even begin to imagine leaving them.

My work schedule changed starting this week, so I go in earlier and get off earlier. I'm hoping that this will lead to more time spent with the other teachers. It's hard, because I feel really disconnected from my friends in America, and I often go the whole week without seeing the elementary teachers. As much as I love my kids, I do enjoy and appreciate interaction with people who have been out of diapers for more than a year.

Three of the teachers are getting off-island for Christmas, but I'm chilling right here. I'm excited to spend time here without working. I'll be able to see more of this island that's beginning to feel like home. Christmas will be a little sad without Rhonda though. I keep singing "Blue Christmas" to her, but she shows little to no remorse for leaving me.

I miss you Judith. I know I say that in every post but it's really true. It helps to know that you've been through and experienced much of what I do. Happy Sabbath and I love you so very much!

P.S. Here are a few Japan pictures for you!

We were so excited to get Starbucks!

Even the manhole covers were beautiful!

It was so wonderful to see autumn!

The Fire of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, mentioned in my last post

Amen

Preliminary Tokyo Post!

2008-11-30T01:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Judith,

We just got home this afternoon from Tokyo, and it was fantastic! Amy, Rhonda, and I arrived on Wednesday night into Narita, then just barely made it to our hotel in Tokyo in time to keep our reservation.
We stayed at a backpacker's hotel. It was cheap and clean, though none of us ever got a great night's sleep. Our rooms were very small, but sufficient for the amount of time we spent in them.

We woke up early on Thursday morning and headed to Ueno Station where one of the most amazing things happened: Rhonda and I got Starbucks! I've missed it very much. I mean, Java Joe's is nice, but I haven't even been there for over a month.

We left the station and saw our first signs of autumn. Rhonda and I played in the leaves for a bit which was simply lovely. We went to Ueno Zoo and walked around, seeing all sorts of wonderful creatures. Unfortunately, Ling-Ling, the Giant Panda died on April 30th from heart failure.

After leaving the zoo, we went to my favorite shrine. There, we saw the fire of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. A man went to his uncle's house in Hiroshima after the bombs were dropped and found an ember still burning. He kept it burning in his house as a reminder of the violence. This temple has been keeping it burning since he died as a memorial to those who were killed by the bombs.

On Thursday, we went to Tokyo tower and a park around there. It was one of the most beautiful places I've ever been, full of beautiful fall trees. We went to the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building observation deck. Unfortunately, it was foggy so we couldn't see too far but it was still a nice view.

On Friday, we went to the Hie Jinja shrine and temple. It was stunning. We ate our first real meal in Harajuku for dinner, and wandered around for awhile. We tried to find the SDA church and looked around for about an hour and a half. We finally found it, just in time for vespers.
That's where we met Jasmine, a British woman who's teaching English at the SDA Language school in Harajuku. She invited us to the church in Nagayama with the youth group and we gratefully accepted.

We woke up early on Sabbath morning to meet her at the church. We walked to the station together and took a very long and expensive ride to Nagayama with about half of the group. Sabbath school was nice, and church was conducted in Japanese. We met the rest of the youth group and everyone was so warm and accepting. We left them to go see the Imperial Gardens with plans to meet back up for dinner.
The Gardens were closed by the time we got there, so we went back to Harajuku and saw some Cos-Play, but not much. We found the guys and went to a really cool restaurant where we laughed the evening away.
We woke up very early this morning in order to catch our flight back home. The experience was great, the new friends were awesome, and Tokyo was breathtakingly beautiful. I'll post pictures later.

Miss you and love you!

Reconnecting

2008-11-24T12:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Judith,

Sorry that I haven't written in a very long time. I keep meaning to, but something always distracts me. Work has been fun. We had two new kids yesterday. The little girl was adopted from Haiti, and she's adorable.
Today is the last day of elementary before Thanksgiving break, but I still get to work tomorrow. Then, at around 2:30, Amy, Rhonda, and I will leave the preschool, go to the airport, and get on a plane for Japan! I'm so incredibly excited to experience something new. After living in Saipan for 4 months, things start to feel a little mundane. That's not to say that I don't still love it, because I do, so very much.
My friend Angie, the kindergarten teacher, flew home on Friday. We plan to meet up with her in Narita while she waits for her connecting flight. I miss her though. She's one of my favorites.
Sabbath was a nice day. We had church and then a potluck at Susupe Beach Park, by the Grand Hotel and SCS. Ken and Crystal brought their new puppy, and she's so cute! Everyone was in the mood for a hike, except for me. My ankle was hurting and I didn't want to hurt it more before I go to Japan and walk everywhere. Everyone else hiked down to Bird Island and Amy and I went to Wing Beach. It was my first time and it was pretty cool. There were less sea cucumbers than at Pau Pau, which was nice because I hate them!
Anyway, I should start packing. I miss you and hope that life is beautiful for you!

My Busy Weekend

2008-11-03T02:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Judith,

It's Monday evening and I'm relaxing while Rhonda makes me biscuits. I started a new tutoring job tonight but they didn't feed me. I made a chill playlist on my Itunes and I'm feeling good, despite the weekend I had.

Amy and I needed to change the theme in our classroom from bugs to food and giving thanks, so we decided to spend the night at the preschool on Saturday night and work while watching episodes of Lost.
However, on Sabbath afternoon, I found out that Twyla (the dental hygienist) had got 21 tickets to Managaha. Rhonda and Nicole both planned on going, and I really wanted to as well. I talked to Amy and we decided to see if we could finish up a lot of our classroom stuff on Saturday night and then go back on Sunday afternoon and finish. The plan was to leave for Managaha at 8:00 a.m. on Sunday.
We got to the preschool at 7:00 p.m. Saturday and got to work immediately. Since we had done little to no preparation during the week, there was lots of cutting and contact papering to do. Time went quickly and before I knew it, it was 11:15 p.m. We kept working, planning, organizing. My back was sore from bending over the miniature tables in my classroom. My hands ached from holding a pair of scissors for 4 hours. The hands on the clock kept turning, seeming to have a mind of their own. Before we knew it, it was 5:00 a.m. and we were both delirious. Deciding the ten hours was enough for one night, we left the preschool. I dropped Amy off at her house, warning her that if Megan had locked the deadbolt on my front door, I would be back. She gave me her extra key and I drove towards home.
Of course the deadbolt was locked and it's so rusty that my key doesn't work on it. I walked back to Subee, shoulders slumped, exhausted. Driving back to Amy's, I was angry at my roommates for locking me out, but after praying, I realized that there was no reason to be upset. I had a bed to sleep in and everything was worked out.
I crawled onto Amy's bed with her and was asleep in about 2 minutes. I awoke about an hour later and drove home. Rhonda and I got ready for Managaha and were out of the house by 8:15. We picked up Nicole then followed Twyla to the dock. Sean, Barbara, and Elijah came too, which was a real treat for me since I never see them. We laid out on the beach and I got a sunburn, though not a bad one.
We got home and Rhonda and I moved downstairs, then I went back to work for a little bit. French and Rhonda had to sing at the church for the evangelistic meetings so I waited in the car listening to episodes of a podcast that my friend, Donnie, started at Southern .
The three of us went and did laundry and tried to buy plane tickets for Christmas, but that was unsuccessful. The dryer didn't dry any of my clothes and we got home around 10:00 p.m. I hung up all of my wet clothes and put my damp sheets on my bed, which was so uncomfortable that it would have hindered my sleep if I hadn't been so exhausted.
I woke up this morning for a regular Monday, except that I tutored a different kid, which I think was a blessing from God because I probably wouldn't have had an adequate amount of patience to deal with Ricky.
It was a long weekend and it will be a long week, but still...there's no place I'd rather be. I love you and miss you Judith!

Charlotte

2008-11-03T01:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Judith,

The books were arranged perfectly on the table, and five pencils, sharpened beautifully, stand upright in the pencil cup. The floor is swept, the windows clean. She brushes her hair and pulls on the wrinkles in her shirt, looking up when she hears her name.

"Charlotte, it's time to go," her mother says, leaning on the door frame. "Are you alright, honey?"

"I'm fine," Charlotte briskly replies, hoping that her mother doesn't notice her unsteady gaze and weak voice. Her mother eyes her suspiciously, then, shrugging her shoulders, grabs her keys and the two descend the steep cement staircase, Charlotte nearly tripping on the last step, the one that always seemed to reach for her, hoping to keep her from leaving her apartment, from entering the world, from growing up.

The drive to their destination is short, much too short for Charlotte. She is off her seat before her mother has shifted from Drive to Park. Looking out the windshield, she sees a woman saying goodbye to a little boy. The woman looks up, smiles at the car, and runs inside the building behind her. Charlotte falls back on the seat, closing her eyes and wishing that she could just disappear.

The front passenger door opens and the woman sits down, buckling her seatbelt and looks back at Charlotte. She smiles, but Charlotte notices that she never loosens her grip on her verdant satchel. Charlotte wonders if maybe this woman is as nervous as she, but quickly dismisses the thought. "There's no reason for her to be nervous about meeting me," thought Charlotte.

Within a minute, they were back at the apartment, climbing the stairs and entering the living room. Charlotte usually loved the pink glow of the spacious room, but today, she resented it. Removing her shoes, she slipped into the room and sat down. She started rifling through her backpack, hoping to look busy enough to delay conversation, if only for a moment. The woman entered the room, looked around, then shut the door. She smiled again at Charlotte, inspiring her to take a deep breath and begin their task.

Conversation felt awkward as Charlotte began her homework. It was easy enough that Charlotte knew she could do it on her own. The woman sat and watched her, however, and that made concentration difficult. Quickly, she began the next page, horrified to see that she didn't understand it at all. Looking up, she asked the question she had been dreading for a week.

"Can you help me? I don't understand it."

"Of course," the woman replied and proceeded to explain the suffixes and prefixes that confused the ten year old girl.

Charlotte was beginning to feel a little better, until the woman asked her to read out loud. She wanted to curl up and die everytime she misread a word, but the woman didn't seem to mind at all.

When the story was over, the woman surprised Charlotte by asking about her hobbies and interests, and the most amazing part was, this woman actually seemed interested. Charlotte soon grew comfortable enough to ramble on about the kids in her class, and the woman never seemed to lose interest.

Before she even realized it, the hour was over and the woman picked up her bag, asking if she could get a ride home. Charlotte's mother asked if she liked her new tutor, a question which she simply nodded to. The three of them walked down the stairs and Charlotte again caught her foot on the last step, but this time, she didn't mind so much. In the car, on the way to the woman's house, Charlotte smiled at her earlier trepidation.

When the woman got out of the car at her house, Charlotte called out to her. "See you next week!" The woman turned, grinned and nodded. Charlotte noticed that her tutor no longer held tightly to her bag, and her smile was genuine. She leaned back in her seat, and laughed quietly to herself. All the nervousness was gone, and Charlotte began to look forward to their next session.

Bunny and Daniel

2008-10-17T03:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,

Smoke slowly curls upward, rising from the purple cone incense, both enticing my senses and relaxing them. It's another Friday evening in Saipan, my time for reflection and quiet. Fernando Ortega softly plays from my speakers, reminding me of my home in the States. It's been a trying week, made more stressful by my flu-like symptoms, one of the joys of working with children.

Monday was Commonwealth Cultural Day, so the elementary campus had no school, but preschool functions as both school and childcare, so I was at work like normal, though I was feeling awfully sick. Monday seemed like it took forever, and I was exhausted by the time it was over. As soon as I got home, I crawled into bed and stayed there, though it was only 5:30.

The sheer beauty of innocence

Bunny has been very disturbed lately, crying over nothing, refusing to eat snack, and refusing to be comforted. Though I originally thought that she hated me, she's started to like me, and everytime she cried, my heart broke a little more. I try not to let them know it, but each of those kids have me wrapped around their little fingers. Tuesday afternoon, Bunny would only stop crying if I was holding her. Wednesday afternoon, she and her brother, Daniel, were the last kids at the preschool. Daniel kept asking why they were the only ones left and where their mom was. I wanted to cry more and more with each time he asked. By 5:30 (the kids are supposed to get picked up at 5), Amy said that I could go home and leave them with Ms. Kathleen. I grabbed my bag, kissed them both, told them how much I loved them, and started to walk towards the door, when behind me, a small yet strong voice said, "No!" I turned around to see Bunny, this girl who seemed to hate me, refusing to let me leave. I told her that Oma was coming, but this did nothing to appease her. She began to cry, but I had no choice. I walked out the door, her cries echoing out the window, and falling on my broken heart. I later found out that their mother sent a taxi to pick them up. Bunny is three years old and Daniel is four.

Daniel, probably laughing at silly Miss Jaimie

Their father seems kind enough, but their mother seems cold and unfriendly, especially to Bunny. Pray for these children who seem to be lacking the soothing comfort of a mother in their lives.

Today was a better day. Bunny was happy and let me take pictures of her. She's a beautiful girl when she smiles. Daniel is not in my class, but I'm his teacher for afternoon care. He was cussing again today. I've had to talk with him on a couple of occasions about his language, and today was the last straw. He seemed repentant, but I can only hope that it made an impact.

Bunny, happy to be outside

Judith, I love these children so much. Bunny is independent, which I love, but she needs someone to set up loving boundaries. Daniel is a trial because I only have him in the afternoon, so there's very little consistency. Their mom says that if their business (Clean Laundry in San Antonio) doesn't pick up, she's withdrawing them by the end of October. Not only do I think these children need me, but I think I need these children. Pray that they don't leave my life.

I'm finally beginning to see why I'm here.

Melon and Ricky

2008-10-06T02:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,

I decided that, since most of my time on this website will be talking about the kids in my class, I should tell you all about them now. Maybe at the end of the year, I can come back and compare who they are now with who they will become.

Melon

Melon was a late-comer to my class, and is one of the few American children. Her mother is some sort of doctor, and I still haven't figured out what her father does. The first day that he picked her up from school, he told me that they took a vacation to Saipan 3 years ago and they haven't left since.

I've struggled with Melon since the first day. Though she speaks mostly English (she's picked up a little Chinese from her nanny), I have a more difficult time trying to communicate with her than almost all of my Korean kids. I still haven't figured out why. I lose my patience with her more often than with any of the other kids. When asking to get up from the table, she says, "Please get up please," at least 5 times after I've already given her permission.

Today, however, felt like a breakthrough for me. Instead of asking for water by saying, "Water please," she said, "Miss Jaimie, may I have some water please?" I know that doesn't seem like enough difference to matter at all, but it made me smile. She was the first to finish her snack and I went and sat with her. We read a couple of books, and I noticed for the first time how her eyes light up when she is given personal attention. Most of the kids can't pay attention for one book, but she was engrossed in the story of the Three Billy Goats Gruff. Melon is not like the other children, and I'm starting to appreciate the little things that make her an invaluable portion of my classroom.

Ricky

Ricky is a beautiful child. Pale skin is offset by his thick black hair. I loved him the first time I laid eyes on him. He only started in my class about a month ago. On his first day, I was worried about all the extra work he was going to be. He didn't seem to understand anything that we were saying. Though I'm ashamed to say it, I wished that he weren't in my class at all.

Ricky has a wonderful mother, beautiful and devoted. She stays with him during breakfast in the morning, and plays with him in the afternoons when she picks him up. I believe that his progress in the last month is due in a large part to her love and attentive care.

He cried this morning when she left, but within 2 minutes, he was joining in with worship. During stations, I held up the letter "R" and said, "Ricky, what letter?" "R!" he responded. "R is for what?" I questioned, really not expecting any sort of answer. "Ricky!" He giggled and continued with his play, while I sat there, astounded at the boy from whom I expected absolutely nothing.

Everyday, when Ricky's mom comes to take him home, as excited as he is, he never forgets to turn around and give me a hug. I didn't believe in his potential. I expected nothing from him but trouble but he has given me nothing but love.

Korean Food Adventures/Tutoring

2008-09-29T03:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,
Exposure to a new culture is a wonderful thing: the language, the culture, even the food. Tutoring is a great excuse to learn more about another country. In my case, that country is Korea.
It was a regular morning at preschool about a month ago. Belle's mom dropped her off and stayed around for a little bit. Out of the blue, she asked me about tutoring her 2nd grade son, Ricky. No idea what I was getting myself into, I agreed. Communication proved difficult and it took at least 10 minutes of negotiating a price.
The Apa (Father) is in Korea, and Belle and Ricky are the only children. I'm still not sure if the Oma (Mother) works, but they live in a nice apartment complex with a generator and a swimming pool.
You might know Ricky--he was in 1st grade at SDA last year. He goes to SCS now, but everyone seems to remember him. He's very hyper and very unfocused. The first couple of days, I wondered if it was worth the money I was getting paid. Slowly, things got better in that area.
Every night, Oma makes me dinner. One of the nights, she made me hota, which is like a pancake filled with sugar. It was amazing, so I was left with a false sense of security about my dinners. Later that week, she made me another pancake-type thing. I timidly put the fork to my mouth, chewed and swallowed. I closed my eyes and prayed for the strength to eat all that was on my plate. I took another bite, and looked down at my plate. There, staring up at me, was a cute little tentacle with white suckers. It took all that I had to not immediately vomit. I stopped eating it, felt like a terrible guest, and thanked my angels when she took the plate away.
After that, I told her that vegetarian meant all meat, including seafood, dinners got better...kind-of. There was still the night that she fed me a donut, but I prefered that to octopus. A few days ago, she gave me an onion bagel with peanut butter and jelly and a fried egg. I did not eat it, and again, felt terrible. Last week, I was eating noodles, and I made the mistake of asking what something on the table was. Ricky informed me that it was squid, and asked if I wanted any. When I declined, he pushed the matter, finally dropping some into my noodles. With a "plop", my dinner was over.
Tonight, they took me out to eat at the buffet at World Resort. Almost everything was seafood. I walked around, hoping to find something that was vegetarian. I've never been so happy to see a salad bar. Ricky offered me some soup, which he promised was just corn chowder. I was just about to eat it when Belle found an octopus tentacle in hers. I'm so thankful that I hadn't eaten any yet.
Despite all of the strange foods that I've been introduced to, I love this family. They are so warm and welcoming, and I feel at home the second I walk into the apartment. They're attempting to teach me some Korean, though I'm failing miserably. Ricky is calming down, Oma and I are improving in our communication, but one moment tops them all. After tutoring one day, Belle kept looking at me and saying, "Oni, Oni." Ricky looked at me, smiled, and said, "That means sister."
I may be thousands of miles away from my house, but this is my home.

Another Weekend in Saipan

2008-09-21T01:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,
As I write this, Rhonda and I are waiting for the other girls to come pick us up so we can go do laundry and sit at Java Joe's. It's our tradition to get Chai Latte's and an oatmeal raisin cookie every Sunday while we wait for our laundry.
Yesterday was my birthday. Rhonda bought me our favorite treats from Ebisuya and chocolate soy milk. Ken and Crystal invited all of us over for lunch, and when I came in, it was decorated and the girls bought me a couple little things. Though it wasn't as much of a surprise as they were hoping for, it was nice. Last night, Amy and Nicole came over and we watched a couple of movies.
This morning, I walked to the Elementary school and met up with Rhonda. We got spring rolls from Spicy Thai, then walked to the beach. Unfortunately, fairly soon after we got there, it started raining in the traditional Saipan way. By the time we walked back to the Beach House, we were absolutely soaked.
We drove down to Garapan and walked around a little bit. Everything is so overpriced down there, but it's fun to look.
I'm amazed at how quickly I've become completely comfortable with this place. As I was walking to the school, one of the dogs started walking towards me and growling a little bit, and without even thinking, I scared him away. It didn't seem odd at all, just part of my normal life. As we walked around Garapan and people stared and honked and whistled at us, I laughed, but was no longer surprised. Everything here is normal. This is my life, and even though it's completely different from where I thought I should be, it's exactly where I belong. God used you, Jude, to get me here.
I miss you dearly. I can't wait to hear from you soon.
Jaimie

My Naptime

2008-09-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,
The AirCon hums rhythmically, and the gentle sound of harp lullabies floats across the room. It's naptime in my classroom, but my eyes are wide open, watching for any signs of an wakefulness. This is my favorite time of day. I'm skyping Sam and eating my lunch of Filipino Skyflakes and peanut butter. Vangie is trying to coax Bunny back to sleep, but I don't believe she will be successful. She's one of the most willful little girls I've met. A trial, sometimes, but I love her, and I know that she's going to be a strong woman.
Sometimes, I sit back and wonder who these children will be when they grow up. Jonathan is very sanguine. Banana will be the popular girl, Suki will be the quiet, but friendly intellectual one.
I worry about who they will be when they grow up. Will J. ever catch up with the rest of his classmates? Will K. ever calm down enough to undergo some major behavioral modification? And then my thoughts drift to myself. Am I making an impact on these children's lives? I often forget that they are only babies. Monkey just turned 3 on Saturday. Will the structure that I provide for this year be enough to set the tone for the next? Sometimes i wonder if I'm doing anything more than giving hugs when they're good and time-outs when they're bad. While my precious children are sleeping, I'm analyzing my every action, praying that I'm doing everything I can for these children. Did I let Potato get away with something because he's cute? Did I indulge Monkey while punishing D. for the same crime? Even as I speak, I am disciplining Bunny who has decided to invoke her freedom to not lie down at naptime. I feel like everyday is the same with little or no progress made.
Whoever said that preschool wasn't stressful must have skipped right to kindergarten.

Bubble World

2008-09-12T21:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Judith,
Before I came to Saipan, I lived in a bubble. I saw this bubble when I tried to see the world through a different perspective. I felt this bubble every time my soul longed for adventure but I let my fear hold me back. My bubble was comfortable, but I could sense that I was missing the fundamentals of life.
You spoke of a land, and I dreamed that I too could go there, effectively popping my bubble into oblivion. I heard your stories and imagined a world where I would no longer allow myself to falter in trepidation. With one quick phone call and a few short days, I was whisked away to the place you described. But it was not as you described. I felt alone, isolated, separated from the fantasy I had built in my mind. I blamed myself. In this perfect place, why couldn't I too, enjoy bliss?
The night that Rhonda came, before we went to the airport to pick her up, I was home alone. The power was out, and the car was gone. I lit a candle, and laid in my bed. I closed my eyes, trying to drown out the darkness that I felt. I wondered why I was in Saipan, and why I felt so alone. I didn't understand why I couldn't succeed in this place that I had imagined would be so wonderful. My castle in the sky tumbled down, and I sat in its ruins, nursing my sorrow with a cup of tea. Girlie and Megan and Antonee and I went to the airport. When Rhonda walked through those doors, it was as if a light came down from heaven and frightened away all the darkness.
I'm not as strong as Krystin. I couldn't do this alone. I'm not as brave as you. I brought a friend with me. But I can't try to be like Krystin or you, because I'm me. My whole life, I've wanted to be someone else. I've wanted to be thinner or prettier or smarter or funnier, but my whole life, I've been just me. But maybe that's okay. Maybe just me is who I'm supposed to be. Perhaps, my bubble was all of my dreams that someday, I would wake up and be the girl that I've always wanted to be. But maybe I'm here to realize that I can't be anyone else. I am me, and that's all I'm ever going to be. I guess I'll just hope that it's enough.
I miss you, Jude. Pray for me!