Not My Words

Dear Judith,

Though I've remained (in my opinion) fairly silent about my time in Saipan, my journal is filled to the brim with bottled up feelings. I have no more words to describe the way I feel; all of my sentences have dried up and floated away, no longer any use to me or anyone else.

I recently finished reading a book which has helped me immensely. "The World Below", by an author who I cannot remember at the moment was a random purchase on the clearance shelf at BestSellers, by Joeten in Susupe. A portion of it is is set in the late 19th century, and the protagonist contracts tuberculosis and is sent to a sanatorium. While there, she lives in an isolated world, much different from the one from whence she came. When she returns home, her father is engaged, and her whole life is flipped upside down, and she has great difficulty reconciling her double lives.

My journal is filled with quotes which accurately describe how I'm feeling in words that I could never conjure on my own. I'm going to share a few of my favorites, so my feelings could be understood.

"It made me think of the borders we all cross, the distances we've all come from what feels like home. Who lives at home in America, now?"

"Now I began to see myself, my story...I saw, in fact, that I had a story. But not only that. I saw myself as I was seen, physically moving around in [Saipan]. [Saipan] gave me this: self-consciousness. Before her, I had been invisibly at the center of my world. But the world grew larger for me now, and I became visible in it. To myself, most of all."

"'You're a new gal!' she said, with tears in her eyes, and Georgia felt that someone, at last, had seen her, had understood that everything was changed in her life." (Haven't had that moment yet.)

"Sitting here now...she found it difficult to believe in the other world, in what she had become and done...[a]nd yet she could hardly believe in this world either, she felt so cut off from it now. As though this life, these events, were a dream she was living through. When someone spoke to her, she half expected bubbles to rise from her mouth, she felt so underwater, she felt she was moving so slowly and thickly through the day. Would she ever outgrow this? Would her own life become familiar and comfortable to her again, as life in [Saipan] had? Or had she made herself unfit for it, with all that she'd done, all that she'd learned? Of course, she was thinking, it wasn't her own life anymore, not as she'd known it. Maybe that was all the trouble. Maybe it was just a matter of getting used to [the way things] would be run."

"I recognized that for her, the divided life had begun, that life always half lived elsewhere, always ready to be claimed and summoned."

My First Run and more Reverse Culture Shock

Dear Judith,

During my time in Saipan, I ran occasionally on the beach pathway, and a few other venues, though those stopped after the infamous "Koblerville Incident". I ran a couple 5Ks and really enjoyed getting more physically fit.

Since coming back to America, I've experienced some shortness of breath due to the high elevation. That had decreased in frequency, so I assumed I was ready for a run and today was the day.

Krystin and I started running at cabin 9, with the plan to run to the second teepee of Camp Morrison, for a total distance of 2 miles. We began and I was feeling pretty good, but we weren't even a mile in when I had to stop and walk because my lungs were burning. It was a very frustrating feeling, because my body wasn't tired, but I simply couldn't get enough air.

I was able to run the full mile back, but it was definitely a strong reminder that I am no longer in Saipan. Oh, how I would give anything to go back. Today has been a particularly hard for no particular reason. I found a preschool toy in my pocket today. One of the kids must have put it in on my last day. I nearly broke down in the middle of staff worship. Also, Sean had to put the video of Rhonda and my long walk, which is probably the cause of my current emotional mood.

Just a rough day.

At Camp

Dear Judith,

I'm sorry. I didn't give you enough credit last year. I didn't understand the trials of being back in America after being in Saipan. I'm sorry for not listening more, because all I want right now is for someone to just shut up and listen to me talk about my class and my life in Saipan.

Jonathan and I drove to camp today. It was a lovely drive, though a bit long for my taste. I'm used to a max of 30 minute long car rides. We arrived and I unpacked everything into my cabin (cabin 7--woot woot) and went into town with Krystin.

We were back by 7 for worship and we were then released for free time. I went back to my cabin, grabbed my computer and came to the staff lounge to chat with Saipan friends. When I was missing people too much, I decided to call Rhonda, ruling out Angie and Cristina because it was too late to call them. We talked for maybe 30 minutes and I felt better while talking to her and worse when I was done.

I don't know how to talk to people and I'm always cold. I just want to go back to Saipan and leave this dark, cold, and lonely place. I don't know how you survived, Judith.

In America

Dear Judith,

I'm extremely tired, sick to my stomach, and completely lonely, all signs that I am back in America.

Saturday night was the teacher goodbye party for Rhonda, Nicole, and I. The rest of the teachers are staying on for another year. It was a good night, full of picture taking, good conversations, games, and of course, plenty of tears.

Rhonda and I left Saipan at 4:30 in the morning on Monday. Walking through security and leaving everyone was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To make it worse, a close friend had written me a letter which I read while waiting to board the plane. In retrospect, that probably wasn't a very smart idea, as it only increased the flow of tears.

Rhonda and I separated in Guam and I went on to Honolulu, which was about a seven hour flight. I barely slept at all, but I also barely cried. I waited in Honolulu for a couple of hours, then continued on to Seattle, where I had my first taste of Starbucks since Tokyo in November. It made me completely sick to my stomach.

It was a short flight from Seattle to Boise, and I sobbed the whole time. I felt very bad for the lady sitting next to me.

My parents and Krystin met me at the airport and it's been a whirlwind ever since. I'm in Walla Walla now, and really struggling with the social side of things. It's hard when you've been gone for a year, but I'm sure that will come with time.

I miss Saipan and my life there more than anything. I would trade anything and everything just to be able to go back. I don't feel like I fit in or belong here anymore, and I just want to go home. Pray for me Judith, please.

My Last Sabbath

Dear Judith,

This year has flown by and I can't believe that it's nearly over. Rhonda and I fly out on Monday morning and the rest of the girls leave on Tuesday. I'm not ready to leave and I don't feel prepared to deal with the world that is waiting for me in America. No part of me wants to be back there. I don't know how to deal with my feelings, but crying has proved a viable option.

Yesterday, I went to the preschool for the last time. I was fine, until I said goodbye to Taka. He held on to my neck so tightly, and I didn't want to put him down. I'm not ready to say goodbye.

Tonight is the goodbye party for the three of us who are leaving. I would give anything in the world to trade places with Angie, Cristina, and Megan, who will be coming back here next year. I'm just now starting to get to know many of the elementary students and I have to say goodbye.

Though she wouldn't like to admit it, Rhonda is having just as much of a hard time as I am, and I can understand why. Her kids are amazing. All the kids here are just fantastic, and the thought that I may never see them again is unbearable.

Please, Judith, pray for me in the coming weeks. I don't know how I'll survive them.

Australia

Dear Judith,

Oh boy.  I have not blogged in such a long time.  It's a beautiful Friday afternoon in Saipan, and Krystin and I are sitting at Java Joe's, drinking soy chai, and I'm trying to remember the details from RCT's trip to Cairns Australia.  

We left on a Thursday afternoon.  In the airport, we were assigned children to watch.  I got Joy and Tali, and we quickly formed Team Jet.  Everyone was jealous of us.  Our motto was, "We enter with style!"  

We stopped in Guam for a bit, and everyone ate dinner.  The kids were so excited to get Burger King!  I was lucky to have an empty seat next to me, so a friend came to sit by me.  I practiced my Japanese and wrote in my journal on the 4 hour flight.  

Customs took awhile longer than it should have, due to some of our props, but we finally made it out and loaded up into some taxis.  Our taxi, however, did not start, so Carol, Megan, Michi, and I had to wait for another one to come get us.  

We arrived at the Bohemia Resort and were amazed at how nice it was.  We settled in for the night and woke up early Friday morning for our show at the Cairns SDA Elementary school.  It went well, and the little Australian children were so cute!

We were lucky to have the afternoon off, and we went to Cairns Tropical Zoo.  It was epic-ly awesome.  I held a koala and fed kangaroos.  I loved it.  

We had a performance that night at a church plant, and they seemed very receptive, especially to our Lifehouse pantomime.  

Saturday started off with a performance for Youth SS, followed by church and a yummy potluck.  Some of the kids went with Sean and Rhonda to be on the radio, and the rest of us got ready for the afternoon performance in Edmonton.  Again, Tali performed beautifully, and they weren't many dry eyes in the house at the end of Lifehouse.  

The evening was spent playing volleyball and wandering around the Night Market, and the money began to disappear.  Australia is very expensive.  

On Sunday, we went to a lake and went tubing and kneeboarding.  Amy, Michi, and I left a little bit early, trying to make it up to Kuranda, an aboriginal village, but we were too late.  By the time we got there, almost everything was closed.  We sadly went back to Bohemia and chilled until bedtime.  

Amy left the next morning, so we had no more cars.  Rhonda, Michi, and I tried Kuranda again and this time we had great success!  It was a really cool place, and it was a neat experience to walk through all the shops.  

We left that night, headed back to Saipan, but not before hitting up the night market again.  I spent so much money, but it was well worth it.  Australia was a really great experience, and I feel very lucky to be able to have gone with some of my favorite people.  

Miss you Judith.  I haven't heard from you in a long time.  Hope everything is great!  Love you!

My Last Day of Tutoring

Dear Judith,

As I'm sure you know, tutoring is a great way to earn some extra money while living on Saipan, and I have been lucky enough to tutor two great kids since I got here. Ricky moved back to Korea a few months ago, and, sadly, my last day to tutor Charlotte was last Thursday.

Charlotte has been awesome. I love her and I was really sad to end my time with her. Most of our time was spent talking (I justified it by telling myself that I was helping her with her conversational English) and playing hangman. I really grew to care about her a lot.

We accomplished practically nothing on our last day, but we did take lots of pictures and eat lots of candy. Here are some of the best ones: