Dear Judith,
Before I came to Saipan, I lived in a bubble. I saw this bubble when I tried to see the world through a different perspective. I felt this bubble every time my soul longed for adventure but I let my fear hold me back. My bubble was comfortable, but I could sense that I was missing the fundamentals of life.
You spoke of a land, and I dreamed that I too could go there, effectively popping my bubble into oblivion. I heard your stories and imagined a world where I would no longer allow myself to falter in trepidation. With one quick phone call and a few short days, I was whisked away to the place you described. But it was not as you described. I felt alone, isolated, separated from the fantasy I had built in my mind. I blamed myself. In this perfect place, why couldn't I too, enjoy bliss?
The night that Rhonda came, before we went to the airport to pick her up, I was home alone. The power was out, and the car was gone. I lit a candle, and laid in my bed. I closed my eyes, trying to drown out the darkness that I felt. I wondered why I was in Saipan, and why I felt so alone. I didn't understand why I couldn't succeed in this place that I had imagined would be so wonderful. My castle in the sky tumbled down, and I sat in its ruins, nursing my sorrow with a cup of tea. Girlie and Megan and Antonee and I went to the airport. When Rhonda walked through those doors, it was as if a light came down from heaven and frightened away all the darkness.
I'm not as strong as Krystin. I couldn't do this alone. I'm not as brave as you. I brought a friend with me. But I can't try to be like Krystin or you, because I'm me. My whole life, I've wanted to be someone else. I've wanted to be thinner or prettier or smarter or funnier, but my whole life, I've been just me. But maybe that's okay. Maybe just me is who I'm supposed to be. Perhaps, my bubble was all of my dreams that someday, I would wake up and be the girl that I've always wanted to be. But maybe I'm here to realize that I can't be anyone else. I am me, and that's all I'm ever going to be. I guess I'll just hope that it's enough.
I miss you, Jude. Pray for me!
Be cool like me and read these too!
About Me
- Jai
- These are my letters to the wonderful woman who is responsible for my year away from my world.
3 comments:
Dear Jaimie,
The ability to be yourself is never easy, and I struggle with it every day of my existence, but if you leave Saipan knowing Jaimie better and loving Jaimie more, then I think it's more than enough; it's beautiful, and moreover providential.
Essentially, Saipan allowed me to look at myself through a microscope, see my flaws and see my strengths, and embrace both equally. I hope that throughout the course of your year, as you experience happiness and hardship, that you will see yourself through the eyes of Jesus more and more, realizing with each day that to Him you are the most beautiful woman in the world.
Until your next post, peace and love my darling. I wish you joy everyday.
Judith
PS. What a lovely writer you are.
Wow, Jaimie. . . that was quite eloquent.
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