Reflections on a Busy Week

Dear Judith,
Friday evenings seem the most convenient time to blog, so I apologize if the tone is similar to my previous posts. Rhonda and I turn off the lights in a simulated power outage and rely on candles for our light. The sweet smell of incense entices us to relax from the stresses of the week as we ease into the weekend.

We've started to listen to Christmas music and I'm looking forward to a break in a couple weeks, though I'm planning on stopping by the preschool a couple of times because I know that I'm going to miss my kids. I never thought that I could love anyone as much as I love them. I'm trying to enjoy every second that I have with them because I know that time goes by so quickly and I don't want to miss anything. I don't know how much time you spent at the preschool last year, but the kids are so amazing. There aren't words to describe how much I care about them. I almost feel a parental love towards them, and I can't even begin to imagine leaving them.

My work schedule changed starting this week, so I go in earlier and get off earlier. I'm hoping that this will lead to more time spent with the other teachers. It's hard, because I feel really disconnected from my friends in America, and I often go the whole week without seeing the elementary teachers. As much as I love my kids, I do enjoy and appreciate interaction with people who have been out of diapers for more than a year.

Three of the teachers are getting off-island for Christmas, but I'm chilling right here. I'm excited to spend time here without working. I'll be able to see more of this island that's beginning to feel like home. Christmas will be a little sad without Rhonda though. I keep singing "Blue Christmas" to her, but she shows little to no remorse for leaving me.

I miss you Judith. I know I say that in every post but it's really true. It helps to know that you've been through and experienced much of what I do. Happy Sabbath and I love you so very much!

P.S. Here are a few Japan pictures for you!

We were so excited to get Starbucks!

Even the manhole covers were beautiful!

It was so wonderful to see autumn!

The Fire of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, mentioned in my last post

Amen

Preliminary Tokyo Post!

Dear Judith,

We just got home this afternoon from Tokyo, and it was fantastic! Amy, Rhonda, and I arrived on Wednesday night into Narita, then just barely made it to our hotel in Tokyo in time to keep our reservation.
We stayed at a backpacker's hotel. It was cheap and clean, though none of us ever got a great night's sleep. Our rooms were very small, but sufficient for the amount of time we spent in them.

We woke up early on Thursday morning and headed to Ueno Station where one of the most amazing things happened: Rhonda and I got Starbucks! I've missed it very much. I mean, Java Joe's is nice, but I haven't even been there for over a month.

We left the station and saw our first signs of autumn. Rhonda and I played in the leaves for a bit which was simply lovely. We went to Ueno Zoo and walked around, seeing all sorts of wonderful creatures. Unfortunately, Ling-Ling, the Giant Panda died on April 30th from heart failure.

After leaving the zoo, we went to my favorite shrine. There, we saw the fire of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. A man went to his uncle's house in Hiroshima after the bombs were dropped and found an ember still burning. He kept it burning in his house as a reminder of the violence. This temple has been keeping it burning since he died as a memorial to those who were killed by the bombs.

On Thursday, we went to Tokyo tower and a park around there. It was one of the most beautiful places I've ever been, full of beautiful fall trees. We went to the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building observation deck. Unfortunately, it was foggy so we couldn't see too far but it was still a nice view.

On Friday, we went to the Hie Jinja shrine and temple. It was stunning. We ate our first real meal in Harajuku for dinner, and wandered around for awhile. We tried to find the SDA church and looked around for about an hour and a half. We finally found it, just in time for vespers.
That's where we met Jasmine, a British woman who's teaching English at the SDA Language school in Harajuku. She invited us to the church in Nagayama with the youth group and we gratefully accepted.

We woke up early on Sabbath morning to meet her at the church. We walked to the station together and took a very long and expensive ride to Nagayama with about half of the group. Sabbath school was nice, and church was conducted in Japanese. We met the rest of the youth group and everyone was so warm and accepting. We left them to go see the Imperial Gardens with plans to meet back up for dinner.
The Gardens were closed by the time we got there, so we went back to Harajuku and saw some Cos-Play, but not much. We found the guys and went to a really cool restaurant where we laughed the evening away.
We woke up very early this morning in order to catch our flight back home. The experience was great, the new friends were awesome, and Tokyo was breathtakingly beautiful. I'll post pictures later.

Miss you and love you!

Reconnecting

Dear Judith,

Sorry that I haven't written in a very long time. I keep meaning to, but something always distracts me. Work has been fun. We had two new kids yesterday. The little girl was adopted from Haiti, and she's adorable.
Today is the last day of elementary before Thanksgiving break, but I still get to work tomorrow. Then, at around 2:30, Amy, Rhonda, and I will leave the preschool, go to the airport, and get on a plane for Japan! I'm so incredibly excited to experience something new. After living in Saipan for 4 months, things start to feel a little mundane. That's not to say that I don't still love it, because I do, so very much.
My friend Angie, the kindergarten teacher, flew home on Friday. We plan to meet up with her in Narita while she waits for her connecting flight. I miss her though. She's one of my favorites.
Sabbath was a nice day. We had church and then a potluck at Susupe Beach Park, by the Grand Hotel and SCS. Ken and Crystal brought their new puppy, and she's so cute! Everyone was in the mood for a hike, except for me. My ankle was hurting and I didn't want to hurt it more before I go to Japan and walk everywhere. Everyone else hiked down to Bird Island and Amy and I went to Wing Beach. It was my first time and it was pretty cool. There were less sea cucumbers than at Pau Pau, which was nice because I hate them!
Anyway, I should start packing. I miss you and hope that life is beautiful for you!

My Busy Weekend

Dear Judith,

It's Monday evening and I'm relaxing while Rhonda makes me biscuits. I started a new tutoring job tonight but they didn't feed me. I made a chill playlist on my Itunes and I'm feeling good, despite the weekend I had.

Amy and I needed to change the theme in our classroom from bugs to food and giving thanks, so we decided to spend the night at the preschool on Saturday night and work while watching episodes of Lost.
However, on Sabbath afternoon, I found out that Twyla (the dental hygienist) had got 21 tickets to Managaha. Rhonda and Nicole both planned on going, and I really wanted to as well. I talked to Amy and we decided to see if we could finish up a lot of our classroom stuff on Saturday night and then go back on Sunday afternoon and finish. The plan was to leave for Managaha at 8:00 a.m. on Sunday.
We got to the preschool at 7:00 p.m. Saturday and got to work immediately. Since we had done little to no preparation during the week, there was lots of cutting and contact papering to do. Time went quickly and before I knew it, it was 11:15 p.m. We kept working, planning, organizing. My back was sore from bending over the miniature tables in my classroom. My hands ached from holding a pair of scissors for 4 hours. The hands on the clock kept turning, seeming to have a mind of their own. Before we knew it, it was 5:00 a.m. and we were both delirious. Deciding the ten hours was enough for one night, we left the preschool. I dropped Amy off at her house, warning her that if Megan had locked the deadbolt on my front door, I would be back. She gave me her extra key and I drove towards home.
Of course the deadbolt was locked and it's so rusty that my key doesn't work on it. I walked back to Subee, shoulders slumped, exhausted. Driving back to Amy's, I was angry at my roommates for locking me out, but after praying, I realized that there was no reason to be upset. I had a bed to sleep in and everything was worked out.
I crawled onto Amy's bed with her and was asleep in about 2 minutes. I awoke about an hour later and drove home. Rhonda and I got ready for Managaha and were out of the house by 8:15. We picked up Nicole then followed Twyla to the dock. Sean, Barbara, and Elijah came too, which was a real treat for me since I never see them. We laid out on the beach and I got a sunburn, though not a bad one.
We got home and Rhonda and I moved downstairs, then I went back to work for a little bit. French and Rhonda had to sing at the church for the evangelistic meetings so I waited in the car listening to episodes of a podcast that my friend, Donnie, started at Southern .
The three of us went and did laundry and tried to buy plane tickets for Christmas, but that was unsuccessful. The dryer didn't dry any of my clothes and we got home around 10:00 p.m. I hung up all of my wet clothes and put my damp sheets on my bed, which was so uncomfortable that it would have hindered my sleep if I hadn't been so exhausted.
I woke up this morning for a regular Monday, except that I tutored a different kid, which I think was a blessing from God because I probably wouldn't have had an adequate amount of patience to deal with Ricky.
It was a long weekend and it will be a long week, but still...there's no place I'd rather be. I love you and miss you Judith!

Charlotte

Dear Judith,

The books were arranged perfectly on the table, and five pencils, sharpened beautifully, stand upright in the pencil cup. The floor is swept, the windows clean. She brushes her hair and pulls on the wrinkles in her shirt, looking up when she hears her name.

"Charlotte, it's time to go," her mother says, leaning on the door frame. "Are you alright, honey?"

"I'm fine," Charlotte briskly replies, hoping that her mother doesn't notice her unsteady gaze and weak voice. Her mother eyes her suspiciously, then, shrugging her shoulders, grabs her keys and the two descend the steep cement staircase, Charlotte nearly tripping on the last step, the one that always seemed to reach for her, hoping to keep her from leaving her apartment, from entering the world, from growing up.

The drive to their destination is short, much too short for Charlotte. She is off her seat before her mother has shifted from Drive to Park. Looking out the windshield, she sees a woman saying goodbye to a little boy. The woman looks up, smiles at the car, and runs inside the building behind her. Charlotte falls back on the seat, closing her eyes and wishing that she could just disappear.

The front passenger door opens and the woman sits down, buckling her seatbelt and looks back at Charlotte. She smiles, but Charlotte notices that she never loosens her grip on her verdant satchel. Charlotte wonders if maybe this woman is as nervous as she, but quickly dismisses the thought. "There's no reason for her to be nervous about meeting me," thought Charlotte.

Within a minute, they were back at the apartment, climbing the stairs and entering the living room. Charlotte usually loved the pink glow of the spacious room, but today, she resented it. Removing her shoes, she slipped into the room and sat down. She started rifling through her backpack, hoping to look busy enough to delay conversation, if only for a moment. The woman entered the room, looked around, then shut the door. She smiled again at Charlotte, inspiring her to take a deep breath and begin their task.

Conversation felt awkward as Charlotte began her homework. It was easy enough that Charlotte knew she could do it on her own. The woman sat and watched her, however, and that made concentration difficult. Quickly, she began the next page, horrified to see that she didn't understand it at all. Looking up, she asked the question she had been dreading for a week.

"Can you help me? I don't understand it."

"Of course," the woman replied and proceeded to explain the suffixes and prefixes that confused the ten year old girl.

Charlotte was beginning to feel a little better, until the woman asked her to read out loud. She wanted to curl up and die everytime she misread a word, but the woman didn't seem to mind at all.

When the story was over, the woman surprised Charlotte by asking about her hobbies and interests, and the most amazing part was, this woman actually seemed interested. Charlotte soon grew comfortable enough to ramble on about the kids in her class, and the woman never seemed to lose interest.

Before she even realized it, the hour was over and the woman picked up her bag, asking if she could get a ride home. Charlotte's mother asked if she liked her new tutor, a question which she simply nodded to. The three of them walked down the stairs and Charlotte again caught her foot on the last step, but this time, she didn't mind so much. In the car, on the way to the woman's house, Charlotte smiled at her earlier trepidation.

When the woman got out of the car at her house, Charlotte called out to her. "See you next week!" The woman turned, grinned and nodded. Charlotte noticed that her tutor no longer held tightly to her bag, and her smile was genuine. She leaned back in her seat, and laughed quietly to herself. All the nervousness was gone, and Charlotte began to look forward to their next session.

Bunny and Daniel

Dear Judith,

Smoke slowly curls upward, rising from the purple cone incense, both enticing my senses and relaxing them. It's another Friday evening in Saipan, my time for reflection and quiet. Fernando Ortega softly plays from my speakers, reminding me of my home in the States. It's been a trying week, made more stressful by my flu-like symptoms, one of the joys of working with children.



Monday was Commonwealth Cultural Day, so the elementary campus had no school, but preschool functions as both school and childcare, so I was at work like normal, though I was feeling awfully sick. Monday seemed like it took forever, and I was exhausted by the time it was over. As soon as I got home, I crawled into bed and stayed there, though it was only 5:30.

The sheer beauty of innocence

Bunny has been very disturbed lately, crying over nothing, refusing to eat snack, and refusing to be comforted. Though I originally thought that she hated me, she's started to like me, and everytime she cried, my heart broke a little more. I try not to let them know it, but each of those kids have me wrapped around their little fingers. Tuesday afternoon, Bunny would only stop crying if I was holding her. Wednesday afternoon, she and her brother, Daniel, were the last kids at the preschool. Daniel kept asking why they were the only ones left and where their mom was. I wanted to cry more and more with each time he asked. By 5:30 (the kids are supposed to get picked up at 5), Amy said that I could go home and leave them with Ms. Kathleen. I grabbed my bag, kissed them both, told them how much I loved them, and started to walk towards the door, when behind me, a small yet strong voice said, "No!" I turned around to see Bunny, this girl who seemed to hate me, refusing to let me leave. I told her that Oma was coming, but this did nothing to appease her. She began to cry, but I had no choice. I walked out the door, her cries echoing out the window, and falling on my broken heart. I later found out that their mother sent a taxi to pick them up. Bunny is three years old and Daniel is four.

Daniel, probably laughing at silly Miss Jaimie

Their father seems kind enough, but their mother seems cold and unfriendly, especially to Bunny. Pray for these children who seem to be lacking the soothing comfort of a mother in their lives.



Today was a better day. Bunny was happy and let me take pictures of her. She's a beautiful girl when she smiles. Daniel is not in my class, but I'm his teacher for afternoon care. He was cussing again today. I've had to talk with him on a couple of occasions about his language, and today was the last straw. He seemed repentant, but I can only hope that it made an impact.

Bunny, happy to be outside


Judith, I love these children so much. Bunny is independent, which I love, but she needs someone to set up loving boundaries. Daniel is a trial because I only have him in the afternoon, so there's very little consistency. Their mom says that if their business (Clean Laundry in San Antonio) doesn't pick up, she's withdrawing them by the end of October. Not only do I think these children need me, but I think I need these children. Pray that they don't leave my life.

I'm finally beginning to see why I'm here.

Melon and Ricky

Dear Judith,


I decided that, since most of my time on this website will be talking about the kids in my class, I should tell you all about them now. Maybe at the end of the year, I can come back and compare who they are now with who they will become.

Melon

Melon was a late-comer to my class, and is one of the few American children. Her mother is some sort of doctor, and I still haven't figured out what her father does. The first day that he picked her up from school, he told me that they took a vacation to Saipan 3 years ago and they haven't left since.

I've struggled with Melon since the first day. Though she speaks mostly English (she's picked up a little Chinese from her nanny), I have a more difficult time trying to communicate with her than almost all of my Korean kids. I still haven't figured out why. I lose my patience with her more often than with any of the other kids. When asking to get up from the table, she says, "Please get up please," at least 5 times after I've already given her permission.

Today, however, felt like a breakthrough for me. Instead of asking for water by saying, "Water please," she said, "Miss Jaimie, may I have some water please?" I know that doesn't seem like enough difference to matter at all, but it made me smile. She was the first to finish her snack and I went and sat with her. We read a couple of books, and I noticed for the first time how her eyes light up when she is given personal attention. Most of the kids can't pay attention for one book, but she was engrossed in the story of the Three Billy Goats Gruff. Melon is not like the other children, and I'm starting to appreciate the little things that make her an invaluable portion of my classroom.

Ricky

Ricky is a beautiful child. Pale skin is offset by his thick black hair. I loved him the first time I laid eyes on him. He only started in my class about a month ago. On his first day, I was worried about all the extra work he was going to be. He didn't seem to understand anything that we were saying. Though I'm ashamed to say it, I wished that he weren't in my class at all.

Ricky has a wonderful mother, beautiful and devoted. She stays with him during breakfast in the morning, and plays with him in the afternoons when she picks him up. I believe that his progress in the last month is due in a large part to her love and attentive care.

He cried this morning when she left, but within 2 minutes, he was joining in with worship. During stations, I held up the letter "R" and said, "Ricky, what letter?" "R!" he responded. "R is for what?" I questioned, really not expecting any sort of answer. "Ricky!" He giggled and continued with his play, while I sat there, astounded at the boy from whom I expected absolutely nothing.

Everyday, when Ricky's mom comes to take him home, as excited as he is, he never forgets to turn around and give me a hug. I didn't believe in his potential. I expected nothing from him but trouble but he has given me nothing but love.

Korean Food Adventures/Tutoring

Dear Judith,
Exposure to a new culture is a wonderful thing: the language, the culture, even the food. Tutoring is a great excuse to learn more about another country. In my case, that country is Korea.
It was a regular morning at preschool about a month ago. Belle's mom dropped her off and stayed around for a little bit. Out of the blue, she asked me about tutoring her 2nd grade son, Ricky. No idea what I was getting myself into, I agreed. Communication proved difficult and it took at least 10 minutes of negotiating a price.
The Apa (Father) is in Korea, and Belle and Ricky are the only children. I'm still not sure if the Oma (Mother) works, but they live in a nice apartment complex with a generator and a swimming pool.
You might know Ricky--he was in 1st grade at SDA last year. He goes to SCS now, but everyone seems to remember him. He's very hyper and very unfocused. The first couple of days, I wondered if it was worth the money I was getting paid. Slowly, things got better in that area.
Every night, Oma makes me dinner. One of the nights, she made me hota, which is like a pancake filled with sugar. It was amazing, so I was left with a false sense of security about my dinners. Later that week, she made me another pancake-type thing. I timidly put the fork to my mouth, chewed and swallowed. I closed my eyes and prayed for the strength to eat all that was on my plate. I took another bite, and looked down at my plate. There, staring up at me, was a cute little tentacle with white suckers. It took all that I had to not immediately vomit. I stopped eating it, felt like a terrible guest, and thanked my angels when she took the plate away.
After that, I told her that vegetarian meant all meat, including seafood, dinners got better...kind-of. There was still the night that she fed me a donut, but I prefered that to octopus. A few days ago, she gave me an onion bagel with peanut butter and jelly and a fried egg. I did not eat it, and again, felt terrible. Last week, I was eating noodles, and I made the mistake of asking what something on the table was. Ricky informed me that it was squid, and asked if I wanted any. When I declined, he pushed the matter, finally dropping some into my noodles. With a "plop", my dinner was over.
Tonight, they took me out to eat at the buffet at World Resort. Almost everything was seafood. I walked around, hoping to find something that was vegetarian. I've never been so happy to see a salad bar. Ricky offered me some soup, which he promised was just corn chowder. I was just about to eat it when Belle found an octopus tentacle in hers. I'm so thankful that I hadn't eaten any yet.
Despite all of the strange foods that I've been introduced to, I love this family. They are so warm and welcoming, and I feel at home the second I walk into the apartment. They're attempting to teach me some Korean, though I'm failing miserably. Ricky is calming down, Oma and I are improving in our communication, but one moment tops them all. After tutoring one day, Belle kept looking at me and saying, "Oni, Oni." Ricky looked at me, smiled, and said, "That means sister."
I may be thousands of miles away from my house, but this is my home.

Another Weekend in Saipan

Dear Judith,
As I write this, Rhonda and I are waiting for the other girls to come pick us up so we can go do laundry and sit at Java Joe's. It's our tradition to get Chai Latte's and an oatmeal raisin cookie every Sunday while we wait for our laundry.
Yesterday was my birthday. Rhonda bought me our favorite treats from Ebisuya and chocolate soy milk. Ken and Crystal invited all of us over for lunch, and when I came in, it was decorated and the girls bought me a couple little things. Though it wasn't as much of a surprise as they were hoping for, it was nice. Last night, Amy and Nicole came over and we watched a couple of movies.
This morning, I walked to the Elementary school and met up with Rhonda. We got spring rolls from Spicy Thai, then walked to the beach. Unfortunately, fairly soon after we got there, it started raining in the traditional Saipan way. By the time we walked back to the Beach House, we were absolutely soaked.
We drove down to Garapan and walked around a little bit. Everything is so overpriced down there, but it's fun to look.
I'm amazed at how quickly I've become completely comfortable with this place. As I was walking to the school, one of the dogs started walking towards me and growling a little bit, and without even thinking, I scared him away. It didn't seem odd at all, just part of my normal life. As we walked around Garapan and people stared and honked and whistled at us, I laughed, but was no longer surprised. Everything here is normal. This is my life, and even though it's completely different from where I thought I should be, it's exactly where I belong. God used you, Jude, to get me here.
I miss you dearly. I can't wait to hear from you soon.
Jaimie

My Naptime

Dear Judith,
The AirCon hums rhythmically, and the gentle sound of harp lullabies floats across the room. It's naptime in my classroom, but my eyes are wide open, watching for any signs of an wakefulness. This is my favorite time of day. I'm skyping Sam and eating my lunch of Filipino Skyflakes and peanut butter. Vangie is trying to coax Bunny back to sleep, but I don't believe she will be successful. She's one of the most willful little girls I've met. A trial, sometimes, but I love her, and I know that she's going to be a strong woman.
Sometimes, I sit back and wonder who these children will be when they grow up. Jonathan is very sanguine. Banana will be the popular girl, Suki will be the quiet, but friendly intellectual one.
I worry about who they will be when they grow up. Will J. ever catch up with the rest of his classmates? Will K. ever calm down enough to undergo some major behavioral modification? And then my thoughts drift to myself. Am I making an impact on these children's lives? I often forget that they are only babies. Monkey just turned 3 on Saturday. Will the structure that I provide for this year be enough to set the tone for the next? Sometimes i wonder if I'm doing anything more than giving hugs when they're good and time-outs when they're bad. While my precious children are sleeping, I'm analyzing my every action, praying that I'm doing everything I can for these children. Did I let Potato get away with something because he's cute? Did I indulge Monkey while punishing D. for the same crime? Even as I speak, I am disciplining Bunny who has decided to invoke her freedom to not lie down at naptime. I feel like everyday is the same with little or no progress made.
Whoever said that preschool wasn't stressful must have skipped right to kindergarten.

Bubble World

Dear Judith,
Before I came to Saipan, I lived in a bubble. I saw this bubble when I tried to see the world through a different perspective. I felt this bubble every time my soul longed for adventure but I let my fear hold me back. My bubble was comfortable, but I could sense that I was missing the fundamentals of life.
You spoke of a land, and I dreamed that I too could go there, effectively popping my bubble into oblivion. I heard your stories and imagined a world where I would no longer allow myself to falter in trepidation. With one quick phone call and a few short days, I was whisked away to the place you described. But it was not as you described. I felt alone, isolated, separated from the fantasy I had built in my mind. I blamed myself. In this perfect place, why couldn't I too, enjoy bliss?
The night that Rhonda came, before we went to the airport to pick her up, I was home alone. The power was out, and the car was gone. I lit a candle, and laid in my bed. I closed my eyes, trying to drown out the darkness that I felt. I wondered why I was in Saipan, and why I felt so alone. I didn't understand why I couldn't succeed in this place that I had imagined would be so wonderful. My castle in the sky tumbled down, and I sat in its ruins, nursing my sorrow with a cup of tea. Girlie and Megan and Antonee and I went to the airport. When Rhonda walked through those doors, it was as if a light came down from heaven and frightened away all the darkness.
I'm not as strong as Krystin. I couldn't do this alone. I'm not as brave as you. I brought a friend with me. But I can't try to be like Krystin or you, because I'm me. My whole life, I've wanted to be someone else. I've wanted to be thinner or prettier or smarter or funnier, but my whole life, I've been just me. But maybe that's okay. Maybe just me is who I'm supposed to be. Perhaps, my bubble was all of my dreams that someday, I would wake up and be the girl that I've always wanted to be. But maybe I'm here to realize that I can't be anyone else. I am me, and that's all I'm ever going to be. I guess I'll just hope that it's enough.
I miss you, Jude. Pray for me!